


You Don't Have To (Say You Love Me)

by DarknessBound



Series: You Don't Have to Say You Love Me [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Broken Hearts, Communication, Dom Castiel/Sub Dean Winchester, Explicit Sexual Content, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Het Sex, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Mechanic Dean Winchester, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Pining, Police Officer Castiel (Supernatural), Reconciliation, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Semi-Public Sex, Separations, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, divorce papers, non-explicit het
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27877537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarknessBound/pseuds/DarknessBound
Summary: There are two sides of every story. Leaving Dean was one of the hardest things he's ever done, but right when Cas is finally starting to move on, Dean makes him an offer he simply can't refuse.Companion/other POV to (You Don’t Have To) Say You Love Me
Relationships: Castiel/April Kelly, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: You Don't Have to Say You Love Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041257
Comments: 42
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, when I originally wrote my 2020 DCBB fic, I wrote this one as well. I apologize, these stories were never meant to be told separately (though, they can 100% be read as stand-alones, you do not have to read both to understand) but anyway, here it is. 
> 
> For this one, art was done by the wonderful Blucifer (I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine), as was any editing that got done through the tears. My gratitude to you, as always.

Castiel couldn’t pinpoint when everything changed. One day, he and Dean had a love strong enough to handle a gunshot wound, and the next, they didn’t. 

Marriage wasn’t easy, but there was a time when they were able to talk through everything and now that they were here, Cas didn’t even know where to begin. How could any words mend the shards of their broken marriage? 

There were days when Cas could hardly get out of bed. Depression was such an all encompassing pain, it radiated out of his pores, and Dean… hardly batted an eye. Sure, he would check on Cas and bring him his favorite food when he wanted to be cute. He’d ask Cas to watch television with him and they’d sit in silence, pretending everything wasn’t falling apart at the seams. 

Every so often, Cas was sure Dean was about to ask ‘what’s wrong?’ or ‘how can we fix this?’ but he never did, and neither did Cas.

Dean’s ‘give-em-hell, don’t fix what ain’t broken’ attitude was why Castiel had originally fallen for him, but now, in his thirties, he wanted more. Not anyone else, just more from  _ Dean. _ He wanted Dean to look at him the way he used to, when he’d stare at Cas intently before pulling him in for a kiss and showing him he was the best thing in his life.

The overly polite faux communication was so suffocating, there were evenings when Cas couldn’t breathe inside their house. He’d go on a walk or go sit on their deck as he stared up at the stars, wondering how he managed to bag the most beautiful man in the entire universe, and how on Earth he managed to fuck that up.

Dean had never given the vibe he wanted to settle down - at least before the accident - and after that, all he wanted was Cas. He was so ridiculously in love, he would constantly do anything to make him smile. Cas couldn’t say when he fell for Dean, but it was a long time before he took that bullet to the chest. 

_ How did this get so bad?  _ Just last year, they were planning on renewing their vows and now… those vows felt like a fraud. ‘The day I stop showin’ you how perfect you are, punch me in the nose and leave me. Cause I sure as hell don’t deserve you.’  _ Well Dean, here we are, and I still have no desire to punch you. But the second part… I just don’t know anymore.  _

Before he up and left, Castiel tried numerous things. None of them were his words, and now that he had gone, he realized he dropped the ball on the biggest weapon in his arsenal: words.

Everything could be talked out if both parties of that conversation are willing to listen. Except they weren’t; Dean walked around as if nothing was wrong, and Cas… just couldn’t find those words on his own.

The first thing Castiel tried was simple. He stopped asking how Dean’s day was. And what happened? Nothing. Dean didn’t realize or ask about _his_ day, either. Sometimes, one of them would come home with a story, but mostly they just ate dinner while watching TV, had sex, and fell asleep. 

Their sex life was the one thing that never suffered. If it were up to Dean, he would have stayed there, completely content until the very end. But Cas couldn’t do it anymore. Their love was more than sex… it had to be. 

After weeks of neither of them asking how the other was doing, Cas began to pull away a little more. He stopped asking questions altogether. He didn’t ignore Dean, not ever. But he found himself going days without even attempting to start a conversation. Not just with Dean, with anyone. When his Chief called him out on it, he nearly broke down in the middle of the station.  _ How can this man… this man I see for a few hours a day… see more of me than my husband?  _

It took a lot to open up, but by the time he had, it was too late. Before he knew it, he was checking other stations for job openings. He didn’t apply, not right away, but the intent was there. He wondered if Dean would have a real chance at happiness if he left. It didn’t once occur to him that Dean was truly happy, because if he was, wouldn’t he care more? Wouldn’t he notice his husband was drowning? Weeks went by before he was convinced leaving was the only solution. The only way they would each have a chance at happiness. 

Castiel’s last straw would be forever seared into his brain.

After a twelve hour shift, he closed their door with a sigh, looking around for Dean to try one more time. He was completely drained and all he wanted was his husband; to fuck him, to hold him, to finally fucking talk to him. “Dean?” The lights were already off and when he realized Dean was in bed, his heart sank.  _ It’s too late. I’m too late. I can’t fix this tonight, it’s been broken for too long. How the hell did I expect to fix anything tonight… or ever.  _

Cas stood over Dean and stared down at him as the tears began to fall. He watched his chest rise and sink, and took in every single perfect line on his flawless face, every single freckle that peppered his nose.  _ I have to try.  _ “Dean…” Cas wiped the tears from his eyes and shook Dean’s body gently. 

Dean grunted with a frown, those beautiful lips pouted and he rolled onto his side. “Uh-uh… sleep.”

_ I can see you are asleep… and yet I need you. I need you more now than ever before.  _ “Dean.”

“C’mon, Cas. Go to bed.” Dean was still frowning and Cas took a step back. 

Dean’s always been a grouchy sleeper, it was always something Cas adored about him, but that night, it felt like dismissal. He walked out of the room and curled up on the couch, crying harder than he’d ever admit. When sleep finally came, he didn’t dream. Not even his subconscious could give him relief from the reality that his marriage was over. 

“Cas.” Dean shook him awake, staring down at him with worry etched over every feature. 

Castiel sat up, looking around the room as everything became clear again. He was still on the couch - uncomfortably stiff - and in his uniform. “Hello, Dean.”

“Why’d you sleep out here?” Dean sat on the coffee table across from him. “Too tired to shower?”

_ If only it was that simple, Dean. Wouldn’t it be easier if everything was always as simple as you make it?  _ “Something like that.” Cas cleared his throat. “I’m going to shower and then we need to talk.”

“Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound good. Alright, Cas. I’ll be here,” Dean said, nodding a little as Cas stood to make his way to the bathroom. 

He took his time, letting the water cascade down his body and wash every tear down the drain so by the time he sat in front of Dean, he felt stronger. Dean watched him, his own coffee cup still full of untouched coffee and Cas wondered for the first time if maybe Dean  _ did _ know something was wrong. He was always so sure Dean was just clueless to how far they were drifting, but in that moment, he  _ knew _ Dean knew. “I think we… this… isn’t working anymore, Dean. Something is broken here, and I don’t know what it is or how to fix it. I feel…”  _ Invisible. Like I’m at the bottom of the ocean and there is no land in sight. Because  _ **_you_ ** _ were supposed to be my land, and I don’t know where you’ve gone but you aren’t here. Not in the way I need you.  _ “I feel we need time apart.”

Dean stared at him for several moments without saying anything at all, then let out a breath. “Time apart, huh? Like how much time?” 

Cas frowned down at his own hands, unable to stare at that gorgeous face any longer.  _ Does he even care? _ “I don’t know. Does the amount of time make much of a difference for you?”

“Just tryna gauge whether or not you’re plannin’ on comin’ back, Cas.” Dean’s voice was gruff, but it held little in the way of concern or regret.

_ Would  _ **_that_ ** _ make a difference for you? _ Cas met his eyes, searching for any sign that Dean might want him to stay or that this was worth fighting for. “I don’t know that either, Dean. I -”  _ Don’t want to leave at all... but I can’t stay. Not like this. _ “Will you be okay?”  _ Will you hurt? Will you move on? Will you eat your damn vegetables and take care of yourself at all? _

“You know me, Cas. I just keep pluggin’ along. You take whatever time you think you need, okay?” He didn’t smile, but stood and knocked on the table. “I’ll just... go stay with J for a few days.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere. I will go.” Cas stood and walked around him toward the bedroom, holding back the tears threatening to spill.  _ He’s fine. He doesn’t care. He’s comfortable, that’s why he stays. It isn’t for me. _

If he thought Dean would say something to stop him, he was wrong. Silence stretched on long after he disappeared into the room, broken only when the front door slammed, signaling that Dean had left as well. It wasn't until he heard the rumble of Dean’s Impala fading that he allowed himself to crawl into their bed one more time and cry. 

He stayed as long as he dared, sobbing like he lost someone, because in his heart, he did. He lost the only man he’d ever loved. The only man he would  _ ever _ love. 

  
  


~~~~

  
  


Of all of that, Castiel’s lowest point was the moment his hotel door closed, and for the first time in a long time, he was completely alone. The hollow feeling in his chest made breathing difficult, and more than once he wished he could fall asleep and never wake up.  _ If this was what we needed… what I needed… Why does it hurt so bad? Why does everything feel so wrong?  _

Anything he ate came back up. Every time he attempted to sleep, he had nightmares. In hindsight, he knew he should have gone to work, should have kept himself busy, hell, should have read a book. But instead, he marinated in his pain, locked inside a hotel with rough, cold sheets. Everything felt colder without Dean, and the t-shirt he stole from the hamper did nothing to fill the void. Dean’s scent was fading so quickly it was as if the universe was stripping it away as some cruel joke. He would catch whiffs of Dean in passing but when he tried to bury himself in the smell, all he would get was hotel. 

Dean called and texted a few times, but Cas wasn’t in a place to answer.  _ What more was there to be said? If Dean wanted me to stay, why didn’t he try? Why didn’t he ask  _ **_why_ ** _ even one fucking time? No, all he asked was ‘how much time?’ Didn’t he care? Didn’t he want to know why his husband of twelve years felt he had no other choice but to walk away?  _

After those thoughts came the anger.  _ Did he ever fucking love me? Did I just do him a favor by offering this out so he can go find someone else? Someone who likes cars? Someone who won’t bitch about his lost keys? Someone not me.  _

It was a week of self pity and self loathing, and at the end of it, Castiel decided he had to leave. Not the hotel, the entire town. Everything there would remind him of Dean. Everything there would hurt, and if he was always caught up in his head, he wouldn’t do his job right. He could get killed, or worse, he could get someone else killed. Being a cop took focus, and when going through the worst time in his entire life, focus was something he lacked. 

Cas knew a transfer would ultimately mean desk duty for a while, and he was okay with that. Finding a new station was easy. Castiel had a reputation on the force that preceded him, and he was quickly transferred a few cities over. Adapting to his new home, on the other hand… was not. The house was small, but he didn’t bring too much with him. His new bed was too soft and the sheets were always too cold. If it wasn’t for a bottle of Dean’s favorite whiskey, he probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all. The drink reminded him of his husband, and the smell of it made him physically ache, but that was what Cas wanted. He wanted to feel the pain, because the pain was the only reminder that any of it was real. That he and Dean were real. 

Cas would go to work on time, do everything he was supposed to do with a faux smile, then go home and drink. He’d stare at their wedding photos, or watch Dean’s favorite movies, and when he really wanted to hurt, he would put on Dean’s shirt and listen to Bob Seger while he laid on the floor, staring up at the ceiling as the tears free fell onto the hardwood. He didn’t have to hide his tears here… there was no one around. 

Castiel was completely alone. 

The amount of times he almost called Dean had him deleting his phone number one morning, but it didn't make a difference. He knew Dean’s number by heart, and every time his husband tried to call, he knew exactly who the unsaved number was… he just never answered. 

Hearing Dean’s voice would only make Cas run to him, so he ignored every call and every voicemail he left while he attempted to drink himself to death.  _ If only… at least then the pain would stop.  _ His fellow officers had no clue he was struggling, because he never gave them a reason to worry. 

Until he met April. 

She was probably one of the nicest people Cas had ever met, and what started as one donut joke in the breakroom quickly became something more. She became a friend he hadn’t realized he needed. It had been so long since he had someone to talk to that wasn’t Dean or one of Dean’s friends. Sure, Cas technically had his own friends, but when you’ve been married for twelve years, there aren’t  _ his _ friends or  _ my _ friends anymore, there’s just  _ our _ friends and when April first scratched at the surface outside of work, Cas’ walls crumbled to the floor. 

Cas was embarrassed. He hadn’t cried in front of anyone but Dean since their wedding, and  _ those _ tears had been happy tears, but what April had to endure was far from that. Cas was nearly inconsolable as he released twelve years of love and heartache onto this poor woman, and when he was done, she didn’t judge him. She got him hot chocolate from his kitchen and sat with him, long past the point of awkward silence. But what Cas learned that night was that if you waited long enough, you’d get through that awkwardness and you find something new, something comfortable. 

Finding out she had a degree in Communications was not surprising, and Cas would sometimes find himself in her office, talking about anything and everything. He still talked about Dean too much, and he still drank himself to sleep every night, but that hollow, invisible feeling began to slowly fade. She helped him find his voice again, and even helped him realize that this was not Dean's fault. It was Castiel’s. He was the one that saw the rift, he was the one that said nothing, and he was the one that closed that door. 

It had only been a few weeks, but one particular day had Cas feeling stronger than he had since he walked out. He didn’t drink, went on a run, read his book, did some yoga... and when his phone rang that evening and he saw Dean’s number, he actually answered. “Hello, Dean.”

“Cas?” The word was slurred a little and laced with surprise. “Holy fuck, you’re alive! Good, that’s… good.” Dean fell silent like he wasn’t sure what to say after that. 

“Yes. I’m alive.”  _ Unfortunately.  _ “As are you. How... are you?” Cas covered his eyes, hating the awkwardness between them.

“Peachy.” He belched, then groaned like he was about to throw up. “Just friggin peachy, Cas. Where are you?”

“Are you drunk, Dean?” Cas looked down with a frown.  _ Like I can judge him, this is the first day I  _ **_haven’t_ ** _ been drunk. _

“M’fine,” he slurred. “I can hold my liquor, Jack never did me dirty like that.” The gag that followed told a different story, and Dean swore under his breath as Cas heard the creaking of a mattress. “Where are you?” he asked again.

“I’m in Rogue Hollow. Are you at home?” Cas stood and grabbed his keys, but quickly set them back down. He couldn’t instantly run to Dean, not so soon.

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly. “Hate it here, though. Jask dropped me off a little bit ago.”

“Why do y- never mind. Has this time apart brought you any sort of clarity or solace?”  _ Keeping it professional helps. Because solace isn’t something I’ve found. _

Dean scoffed. “You left  _ me, _ Cas. Don’t turn this shit around on me, I’m not the one that walked away.  _ Clarity,” _ he mocked.

“Don’t mock me, Dean. I thought it would be a good time to speak, but I guess it isn’t. Call back when you’re sober.”  _ Click. _

Cas tossed his phone and buried himself in his covers, only coming out to grab his own bottle of Jack.  _ If you can’t beat them... drink. _

It didn’t take much to get Cas drunk, but in that short amount of time he ignored multiple calls from Dean, and it took Cas another hour to get the courage to listen to his voicemail. When he finally did, he instantly regretted it. 

“Cas... fuck, I’m sorry I was an ass earlier. I miss you, I -” 

Suddenly, another voice cut in. “Enough, D. Gimme the damn thing.”  _ Click. _

_ Jaskier. At least he isn’t alone.  _ He had to force away the urge to run to him once again.  _ I should be the one there for him. I should be the one comforting him. But in all this time, that voicemail was the first time he ever said he misses me. He hasn’t once asked why I left or if I will come home. How am I supposed to believe that he even thinks of me?  _

Instead of drunk dialing Dean back, he did the only thing he could think of to stop himself. He called April. Lucky for him, she answered on the second ring. “Hey, Castiel. How are you?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I didn’t know what else to do.” He hoped his voice didn’t give away how intoxicated and panicked he was, but when she spoke again, he could tell she knew.

“Can I come over? You shouldn’t be alone.”

_ I haven’t even told her what is wrong and she knows. She knows I am not okay and is willing to drop whatever she was doing to be there for me. I should have never bothered her.  _ “I’m, okay. Please… don’t let me disturb your night.”

“Don’t be silly. I was rewatching Bones for the third time. Let me come be there for you. Have you eaten?” 

“Um…”  _ Does Jack Daniels count?  _ “No.” 

“I made a pot roast. I will bring you some, does thirty minutes sound okay?” He didn’t miss the hopefulness in her tone, but he also wasn’t in a place to look deeper into that.

“Yes. April… thank you.” 

“Don’t thank me yet. No more booze, can you do that for me? So we can have an actual conversation?”

Cas huffed a laugh but agreed. If she was willing to drop everything just to make sure he was okay, not drinking for the rest of the night was the least he could do. 

After they hung up, he took a shower in an attempt to sober up, but she arrived before he could dress. He opened the door still in his towel, hastily apologizing. “Sorry. I was trying to hurry, I will be right out.” He stumbled into the bedroom before she could respond and threw on Dean’s shirt and some old plaid pajama pants, rushing back out with his hair a mess. “I stopped drinking when you said, but I still feel... heavily intoxicated. Apologies, April.” Castiel plopped on the couch and ran a hand through his damp, onyx locks.

She smiled at him and sat next to him but kept a respectable distance. “Don't apologize. You’re going through something difficult, it’s understandable that you’re trying to numb your feelings. Is it helping?”

“No. Not really. I answered the phone for him.” Cas laid his head back with a sigh. “He finally said he missed me.”

April squeezed his thigh with a sad smile. “That must have been difficult to hear. Do you believe him?”

“I don’t know. It’s hard not to  _ want _ to believe it, but he was drunk and he hasn’t said it once when sober. He hasn’t even asked why.” Cas set his hand on April’s, thankful for the kind touch.

Nodding, she spoke softly. “Maybe he knows why, or maybe he’s just afraid to hear it. From what you’ve told me, he doesn’t strike me as the type that shares his feelings easily. I’m sorry, Castiel. What do you need from me?”

“Maybe you can move in with him and teach him how to use words?” It was a joke, but he couldn’t help but wish it was that simple. “Yeah right, nothing would get him to use words... except maybe Jack Daniels, and even then he’s always vague with his true feelings.”

She began rubbing her thumb over his pajama pants in a comforting way and pursed her lips. “You need someone that’s willing to be honest with you. Just from our conversations, it seems like it’s much easier for you to talk about how you feel. Like it’s something that you need.”

That made a lot of sense to Cas, and he thought back to how many times he tried to communicate that to Dean. “Every time I tried to speak of anything that involved feelings, he would shut down or become defensive. No matter how hard I tried to word it correctly. After a while, I stopped trying.”

“And he didn’t even notice. I’m sorry, Castiel. That must have been hard.” She leaned back against the couch, but somehow ended up closer to him. “I’m always here if you need to talk about your feelings. You never need to hide them from me.”

“I appreciate it more than I can express, April. Just talking this stuff out with you has helped my mental state tremendously. You know, I didn’t drink the entire day before I spoke to him? I even did yoga. I thought that meant I was strong enough, but maybe next time I should have a few good days before I try again... not just a few hours.”  _ But I’m still not ready to fully give up on him. _ “I love him so much. Why is that causing so much pain?”

She fell silent with a contemplative look on her face. “I think, to a certain extent, love has to hurt. It’s such a powerful and consuming emotion that it wouldn’t make sense for it not to. But Castiel... I don’t think it should hurt like this. You are still doing remarkably well even with this setback, and I don’t want to see you undo your progress.”

“It’s just a bad night. I’ll be fine.” Cas imagined a day when he wouldn’t feel pain for loving Dean and realized he didn’t want to know how that felt. He wanted to love Dean, even if that hurt. “He’s so beautiful, April. I don’t know how I ever got him to begin with.”

April squeezed a little harder. “You’re pretty beautiful yourself, Castiel. And if you ask me, he was the lucky one. Beauty doesn’t mean a whole lot when that’s all a person is. You have a huge heart that you’re not afraid to share freely, and that means more than anything.”

Her words were meant to be a compliment, but all they did was make him want to defend the man he loved. “Dean is so much more than that, April. I know I’m upset and hurting, but he is... He doesn’t use his words, not like I needed, but he is selfless and kind, not to mention he is always there when anyone he loves calls. If we were to never be together again, I’d still stand by the fact that he is the most gorgeous man in the world, inside and out. If I can’t be with him, I know I will never be with another man again.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated quietly as she pulled back. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but already… I don’t like to see you hurting like this.” 

“I appreciate that, I do. I just know you’re only getting one side but there is a reason we were married for twelve years. He will always be the love of my life... he’s just an ass right now. And I’m probably not doing any better... I’m able to talk to you much easier than him. I don’t know how I got here.” Cas reached for her hand again, feeling guilty for being defensive.

Sadness clouded her eyes as she looked at their hands, and how much bigger Castiel’s was compared to hers. “What was it like when it was good? I never... I’ve never had anything like that.”

Cas smiled sadly seconds before a tear slid down his face. “It’s better than any cheesy poetry line I could quote, April. There truly aren’t words. Think of a fire. You have your typical campfire that burns just enough to keep you warm. Your low simmering fires that help you see in the dark, but you’re still very much  _ in _ the dark. And then you have infernos, fires that burn so wild you don’t know if it will consume you fully. That is what we have...  _ had.  _ What we had.” Another tear fell and Cas used his free hand to wipe it away.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” she started gently, “but fires don't burn forever. They can’t. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hot or all consuming, or that it meant anything less than what you think it did… but right now, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is forgive that fire for going out.” 

“How? How do I even  _ begin _ to accept that fact? The entire world is cold without him.” Cas turned to the side to hide yet another infuriating tear.

She carefully reached forward, turning his face toward her own and running her thumb through the wetness she found there. “It’s not going to happen overnight. It’ll take time, and it’ll be hard, but eventually... you’ll wake up one day and the world will seem a little warmer.” April offered him a small smile as she dropped her hand, then nodded toward his bedroom door. “You should try to sleep.”

“Okay. Did... did you bring stuff to stay? I can make up the couch, and one day I’ll get an actual bed for that guest room.” He didn’t want to put her out, but he didn’t want to wake up and have breakfast alone again, either.

April tilted her head for a moment like she wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. Eventually, she nodded, gesturing for the door. “I always keep a spare change of clothes and a blanket in my car. I can stay.”

Cas smiled and stood up with his arms out. “Can I hug you?”  _ It’s just been so long since someone has held me in any way. Please don’t take this wrong. _

A couple of steps later, her arms were wrapped around his middle and her head was resting on his chest. She took a deep breath and let it out as she glanced up at him. “You’re warm.” 

“Thank you. I will grab you one of my bigger blankets so you don’t get cold. I really don’t know what I’d do without you, April.” Cas touched her arm again and went to the hallway closet to put together her bed.

When she came back into the living room after getting her things and changing, she looked a little uncomfortable in sweatpants that looked too tight and the same blouse she’d been wearing the whole night. She smiled as he plugged in her phone behind the couch. “Thank you, Castiel.”

“No, thank you. I’ll make us breakfast in the morning, goodnight.” Cas walked into his room and crawled into bed, falling asleep in minutes. 

At some point over time, their friendship blossomed even more, and April was spending multiple nights a week at Cas’. They relied on each other in more ways than they realized, and on the nights he spent alone, he found himself constantly thinking about Dean. 

Her being around often helped, but nothing could ever completely erase Dean from his mind. They stopped drinking completely, and she even did yoga with him some mornings, but even then… memories of Dean flashed before his eyes. 

After spending two nights in a row at Cas’, she went home to catch up on laundry and not long after, Cas found himself staring at his phone, wishing Dean would call.

When it actually rang and Dean’s number appeared on the screen, Cas began to look around the room for cameras as he accepted the call. “Hello, Dean. I was just thinking of you. How are you?”

“Cas,” Dean said, heaving a relieved breath. “I didn’t think you’d answer... I’m uh... well, I can’t really answer that. You okay?”

“I am. Yes.” Cas closed his eyes tightly, his chest constricting at the sound of Dean’s beautiful, rough voice. He let the awkward silence stretch on as he came to the realization that it didn’t matter how long they went, Dean’s voice would always hurt him. Dean’s voice would always make him want to run to him. If he had any chance at all, he couldn’t answer the phone anymore. “Dean...” but again, he couldn’t find the words.

“Can I see you?” The hope in Dean’s voice nearly broke Cas in half, especially when he couldn’t bring himself to answer and it faded completely. “Right,” Dean said quietly. “Guess that defeats the purpose of walkin’ out on someone, huh?”

Cas had to clear his throat before responding, and he hated the squeak that came out when he spoke. “Y- yeah. Sort of.”  _ Oh, Dean. Ask me one more time... please ask me one more time... _ Gripping his phone tighter, Cas waited in some more awkward silence and released a shaky breath when Dean didn’t ask again. “I... don’t think I can answer next time, Dean. I can’t keep doing this to you... or myself. I don’t think we should talk for a while. I need to clear my head so I can make a decision about what’s best for me. I’ll call you when that happens. Goodbye, Dean.” Cas hung up the phone and curled up to cry, instantly realizing how far back he just set himself with that quick, five minute conversation.  _ I just want to not hurt anymore. _

It was hard to pull himself back from the ledge that time, and once again, April was there. The first time she kissed him, Cas went along with it simply for the fact that he didn’t want to lose her. It was selfish, but when he laid in bed that night, he realized he wasn’t completely turned off by the idea. He just hated feeling like he cheated on his husband. 

It took some time to get used to being around someone that wasn’t Dean, but her being such a considerate person helped a lot. He still cried for Dean sometimes, and she never seemed to judge him for it.

The second time she kissed him, it was unexpected, but felt more natural. After the first kiss, she’d backed off like she’d known it had happened too soon. But this time, they’d gone to see a movie - a comedy, at her insistence that he needed to laugh, and she’d been right. It was a ridiculous premise, but he found himself chuckling through most of it and by the end, he’d been outright laughing. They’d walked out of the theater together arm in arm, and after he tried to do an impression of one of the better bits, she stood on her toes and kissed him. Nothing about it seemed awkward or forced, and Cas couldn’t deny that it felt good to have someone in his arms - even if that someone wasn’t nearly as solid as he preferred. 

She felt fragile, and he found himself constantly worried he was going to break her. It had been months since he’d left Dean, but he was convinced he could still feel his warm, rough body against his if he closed his eyes. Cas knew that no amount of time would take that away from him, and part of him was glad for it. 

Some days were easier than others. Some days, he felt almost normal again, like the shadow of Dean and everything he’d lost could actually be erased by the sun. Then, there were days when merely getting out of bed to face another day without him was nearly crippling. The sun went from being an ally to a traitor - something that shone to spite him, not to celebrate him. Cas didn’t want the world to go on without Dean. He didn’t want the sun to shine if he couldn’t bathe in the warmth with the love of his life. He’d rather stay in bed. 

But without fail, April showed up on the bad days. No matter how talkative or quiet Cas was, she always seemed to know the days that he was struggling, and she’d be there when he got home… a tiny, fragile rock, that was somehow stemming the flood that should’ve taken an entire dam to stop. She’d show up on his morning run or bring him coffee to the station, just the way he liked it. She’d send him jokes or the kind of thinking-of-yous that had been so absent in the later years of his marriage to Dean, and it was that alone that had him opening up to her in other ways. 

Slowly, he stopped telling her about his feelings toward Dean. Some selfish little part of him wanted to keep that to himself - especially since it was becoming increasingly clear she was falling for him. He didn’t want to hurt her, and she knew more than enough about the depth of his love for Dean that he didn’t feel the need to rub it in her face anymore. She accepted it, and he had to believe that she understood she’d never come close. No one ever would. 

The first time she wrapped her hands around his length, he almost called the whole thing off. She could barely fit him in her tiny, soft hands, and it was so jarringly different from Dean’s large, rough ones that tears pricked his eyes like he was losing Dean all over again. He managed to hold back the worst of the tears, the sob building in his chest and begging to get out… but it still went horribly. No matter how hard she tried, Cas couldn’t get over that edge. Everything about her was wrong - her tongue, her lips, those hands that he didn’t have a right to resent, but did anyway. 

She’d told him that she’d understood. She’d told him ‘it happens’, and ‘the first time is always the hardest’, but he knew he’d hurt her feelings. Rejection was one thing, but being accepted and not managing to do the job was hard for anyone. He could only hope that his hours spent insisting that it wasn’t her fault were good enough. 

The second attempt there went better. He’d had a hard shift; a routine traffic stop turned into a drug bust and two of the passengers had been high on meth. He had a black eye from the struggle to detain them, and the paperwork afterward was a veritable nightmare. When he’d gotten home to see that April was outside, he hadn’t asked questions. They’d gone straight upstairs, and though his mind was elsewhere… he didn’t have any issues performing. 

As they laid in bed after, he kissed her forehead and thanked her for always being there for him when she didn’t have to be. 

“It’s not a chore, Castiel. I like being with you, even if I only get part of you. I’ll take part of you over all of someone else, any day.” 

  
He hadn’t had the heart to tell her that he didn’t quite return the sentiment. 

~~~~

The weeks dragged on, and eventually, Cas found himself feeling happy again. Dean was never far from his mind, but he could go hours, even full days without thinking of him now. He’d given April a spare key, but had told her pretty explicitly that it wasn’t an invitation to move in. Cas didn’t feel right about taking that step when he was still technically married to someone else; he simply didn’t want her to have to keep sitting outside in her car if her work day ended before he got off duty. 

She’d worked with that precinct for several years as a victim’s advocate and general emotional support to the officers there, and her experiences proved to be extremely helpful to Castiel. She taught him little communication games he could play with her to get his thoughts and feelings out in more coherent ways, little tricks he could use to get suspects to talk, and methods he could employ to comfort victims while taking statements. It made him a better cop and a better human. 

They started forming their own little inside jokes, and rumors of their romance spread like wildfire with the other officers. Cas didn’t mind, but when he was approached and asked if he wanted to change his emergency contact information, he nearly had a meltdown. It seemed like such a simple little thing, but removing Dean as his ICE contact felt like a nail in a coffin he wasn’t ready to put in the ground yet. He’d quietly said no, and asked if they could keep that piece of information between them. He knew how Dean worried, and the thought of something happening to him and Dean not being there was too much to bear. 

He was far enough past the point of leaving that he wasn’t really sad anymore, but he was angry. Angry at himself for letting things get that bad, and angry at Dean for not caring enough to do something about it. He was angry at his own heart for letting him love someone that completely, and angry at the world for not letting him keep it. But as emotions go, the anger was a lot easier to live with than sadness. It drove him, kept him going. Made it easier to get out of bed on those days when the sun felt like betraying him. He seemed to be taking the grief cycle out of order - he’d already gone backward through depression, bargaining, and anger, all that was left to him was denial and acceptance.  _ Maybe I can accept the fact that I’ll never have him back if I deny that I ever had him in the first place.  _

_ Or, maybe I’ll just stay in anger forever.  _

_ ~~~~ _

The day he met her parents, they’d looked at him with disapproval. “You’re married?” her father asked, an unmistakable edge to his voice. 

“Separated, sir,” Cas replied, a forced, closed-lipped smile on his face. “For almost five months now, and we haven’t been in contact in three.” A pang of regret spiked through Cas as the truth of those words sunk in. He hadn’t heard that gorgeous voice in three months, and hadn’t looked upon Dean’s face in over a third of a year. April’s father said something else that Cas didn’t catch, and he felt terrible when he asked him to repeat it. 

“Why aren’t you getting divorced? Surely if you’ve been separated that long, there’s no reason for you to still be married. I don’t like the idea of you sneaking around with my baby girl when you’re still attached to someone else. I’ve shot people for less,” he threatened, nodding toward the gun rack on the wall. 

Cas furrowed his brows and stood a little straighter. “I’m a cop,” he said icily. “You do know you just threatened a police officer, right?”

“Cop, huh? Good, then you’ll know exactly what each one of those bad boys can do.” He clapped Cas on the shoulder, and it took every ounce of resolve in Cas’ body not to pin the man to the ground. 

Attempting to remind himself that her father wasn’t wrong and dating his daughter while married to someone else was fairly frowned upon, Cas chose to remain as lighthearted as he could, despite the memories his threat brought up. He smirked a little. “I assure you, you wouldn’t be the first to shoot me. I’ve learned a thing or two since then, and now I shoot back.” 

Her father barked a laugh and shook his head, ruffling Castiel’s hair like he was a child. “You’re alright, y’know that? I can see what she sees in you. C’mon, have a beer. The ladies should be done with dinner soon.”    
  


Cas could think of a thousand things he’d rather do, and he’d kept up with his promise to April to stop drinking. “I’m going to go see if they need any help. Women are not sandwich makers.” He disappeared into the kitchen, letting out a breath and trying to shove the thoughts of divorce away. But as he watched April buzz around the kitchen with her mother, felt the warmth of the house and how comforting it was to be surrounded by a family, he started to think that maybe, it was time. Maybe. 

~~~~

“Come on, Castiel! We’re going to miss our flight!” April yelled excitedly, practically squeaking as she ran around the house to make sure they had everything. After weeks of her asking, Cas had finally agreed to take her to Disneyland. She was so thrilled when he’d showed her the tickets that she’d jumped him on the spot, leading to passion he hadn’t ever thought he’d feel again. It still didn’t hold a candle to what he’d had with Dean, but it was nice, and it was satisfying, and he could see himself being content with it. 

This was it for him, the final test. If he could make it through a weekend trip with her and be truly happy during it, he was going to file for divorce when he got back. He owed it to himself, to April, and most importantly, to Dean. Stringing themselves along like that wasn’t helping anyone. No one could really move forward, and that’s all Cas really wanted to do… move forward. 

She dragged him just about everywhere she could over the course of their two day trip. Splash Mountain, Snow White’s Scary Adventures, the Jungle Cruise, King Arthur Carrousel… the only thing he overtly refused to go near was the Indiana Jones attraction. He’d spent too many nights watching those movies with Dean not to make that connection, and that trip wasn’t supposed to be about Dean. 

They snapped a picture outside of Goofy’s Playhouse, and when she showed it to him that night in their hotel, Cas was shocked at the smile on his own face. Gone were the bags under his eyes and the sadness lining his features, all he could see was happiness. He found himself staring at her with eyes wide open for the first time, and truly noticed how beautiful she was. Maybe she wasn’t as beautiful as Dean, but no one ever could be… and he knew in that moment he needed to stop holding her to that unattainable standard. He could do this. He could move forward and be happy again… he just needed to tie up the loose ends of the life he walked away from. 

~~~~

Cas stood outside of his attorney’s office with a frown. April didn’t even know he was there, so she wouldn’t be able to comfort him this time. This was something he had to do on his own, had to be strong enough to do on his own. If he wasn’t, then it clearly wasn’t the right thing to do. He knocked twice and was told to go on in, and as he opened the door, he felt himself dissociating. This wasn’t him, it wasn’t his life. He wasn’t about to draft up divorce papers, he was watching someone else do it. He was watching  _ himself  _ do it from the ceiling, floating somewhere just beyond where the pain could reach him. He was safe. 

It got easier after that. He went through the motions, telling his attorney why he wanted - no,  _ needed  _ to get divorced - it still wasn’t something he wanted. He heard himself explaining why they’d separated and answering the usual questions - had reconciliation attempts been made, had they gone to couple’s therapy. Were they in contact at all. How their assets would be divided up. With question after question, his attorney tried to dissect his life and marriage to Dean into small, quantifiable, billable parts, and Cas not only  _ let  _ him do it, he was paying him to. Paying him to end the best thing he’d ever known. 

When it was over, Cas watched as his shoulders slumped below him. He heard himself say that he’d serve the papers himself, because after everything, Dean deserved to hear it from him, not some stranger carrying the second worst news he’d ever receive. The attorney told Cas he’d draw the papers up as soon as possible and he could come pick them up at his leisure or have them delivered, and Cas chose the latter. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he had to go back there to get them, they’d be lost to time itself. Someone would find them generations from now in a moldy box long after the firm had been abandoned and wonder to himself who Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester were, and why they’d failed to keep the spark alive after twelve long, wonderful years. He hoped that by then, maybe there would actually be an answer. 

As he drove home, he was firmly back in his body and wishing he was still somewhere floating on the roof. The walls were closing in around him and his mind was moving faster than he thought the human brain was capable of, flashing memories and feelings and fleeting glimpses of the life he’d just agreed to legally give up. He barely noticed pulling in his driveway or texting April and asking her to stay at her own house that night. He’d made up some excuse about working a double the next day, even knowing it wouldn’t be hard for her to find out the truth. He didn’t care, he’d deal with that the next day. Deal with everything the next day. For now, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball on his bedroom floor and cry until there was nothing left inside of him. Until every ounce of pain had leaked out onto his carpet to rot the wood below it instead of the heart inside of his chest. He didn’t know if he’d ever manage to pull himself off of that floor and go back to his life, not when the fear that he hadn’t done enough to stop this was crippling him. Should he have tried again? Called again? Gone back home and dealt with the cold shoulders his barely present husband offered him, just to be able to have him at all? But as the tears obscured his vision and made his head throb with pain, he remembered how that felt. How living with the shell of his husband had gotten unbearably difficult, and he knew he couldn’t go back. He  _ wouldn’t  _ undo the progress he’d made, not when Dean hadn’t even bothered to call since their last conversation. 

For better or worse, he’d done the right thing. It was time to move forward. 


	2. Chapter 2

Those papers being delivered triggered another episode of depression. April once again kept her distance, and Cas could hardly leave his room for days. 

He would sit and stare at that folder, whiplashing himself back and forth between whether he was doing the right thing or not, and when April finally showed up at his door on day number four, he had to come clean.

Cas told her about the attorney and how the papers had arrived, and he was brutally honest about his emotions. He never meant to hurt her, but she had to know where he stood, and how even though those papers were there, he still had doubts. He still loved Dean. 

She nodded mutely, staring at the ground between her feet. “Castiel, be honest with me. Do you see things between us going somewhere? I know I’ll never compete with him, and I don’t expect you to stop loving him. But do you think you have room to love me, too?”

“I...”  _ Truly don’t know. But I hope so. _ “I think so. I’m trying to move on, you deserve more than what I’ve offered and I’m so sorry. You’ve been so patient and kind.” Cas grabbed her hands, wanting to comfort her. “If this is too much, I understand. The papers triggered some pain, but when I’m around you... that pain lessens.”

Small, soft lips kissed his knuckles, and April shook her head. “That’s all that matters, Castiel. We make each other feel better. I know things will be hard coming up, but I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.” 

He pulled her in for a hug and sighed. “Thank you, again. I don’t know where I’d be without you, April...”  _ Probably dead thanks to old JD. I wonder how much Dean is drinking? Dammit, Castiel, stop thinking of him with someone else in your arms! _

She kissed his cheek, settling into his embrace. “Luckily for you, you don’t have to find out.”

~~~~

After another week, things with April slowly got back to normal and Cas once again felt guilty. She deserved so much more than he could give her. He had tried - and failed - to set her free multiple times, and at this point, she deserved for him to try.  _ I left Dean because he was a wall, and now I am the wall. Now I am the one ignoring what is in front of me. I need to be better… for her. _

He waited for her to leave before he called Dean, and even then he stared at the phone for an hour. It was one of those nights that he needed a drink for courage but kept his word to April, it was the least he could do. 

The phone rang so many times he nearly hung up but when Dean finally answered, he sounded breathless. “Hello, Dean. Is this a bad time?”

“Christ, Cas… fuck, it’s good to hear your voice. No, it’s never a bad time. Hi.” 

“Um... hi. How are you?” Cas closed his eyes tightly, pushing down the emotions of hearing Dean’s voice again. He sounded so good, so...  _ Dean _ that Cas nearly got hard at the sound. He missed him, everything about him, and he hated what he had to do.

“Cas, we have this conversation pretty much every time. My answer hasn’t changed a whole lot... I still don’t really know. How are you? Still good?”

“I’m better. I’ve been thinking a lot about everything and I think it is time for us to move forward. Are you available to meet tonight?”  _ Or never?  _ “Apologies for the short notice, I understand if you can’t.”

A creaking sound could be heard like Dean was just getting out of bed for the first time, despite it being well into the afternoon. “Tonight? Yeah, course… just tell me when and where, Cas. I’ll be there, of course I’ll be there.” 

Cas thought about that a moment, and ultimately picked a restaurant they both loved. Dean didn’t sound angry, so he had high hopes the dinner would be amicable. “Okay, Dean. It was...”  _ So nice to hear your voice. _ “I’m... I’ll see you tonight.”

“Absolutely… see you tonight, Cas. Can’t wait.” He hung up, and Cas collapsed onto his bed. He wasn’t ready for this, that much was obvious. But he owed this to them both.

~~~~

Cas sat out in the parking lot much longer than intended. He knew he was late, and Cas was not one to be late, but he couldn’t get his feet to move the second his eyes landed on Baby.  _ Dean’s in there. His beautiful car is here and I’ll never get to ride in her again.  _ He didn’t expect that realization to hurt as bad, but over time, she became more than just a car to him as well. He couldn’t help but fall for her, especially with how happy she made Dean. 

He pictured road trips in her; windows down, Seger blasting through the speakers. But more clearly than anything, he pictured Dean’s carefree smile. Nothing topped that smile, nothing ever could.

When he finally got his legs to move, he walked inside the restaurant and looked around, looking for the most gorgeous man on the planet. When his eyes finally found him, he could tell Dean had spotted him first.  _ Goddamnit, he’s so perfect. How can anyone look so perfect all the time?  _ His smile was small, and just like their quick hello, it was all too polite. 

“So,” Cas said nervously as he fidgeted with his hands under the table. He took a breath to calm himself. “I’m glad you could make it, I’m... sorry for the short notice.”

“Course, Cas. You know I’d drop anything for you. I’m just glad you finally saw reason, I miss you.”

_ Reason?  _ “I’m not sure what you mean, Dean. I called you here for a reason, though I’m beginning to suspect it’s not the reason you think.”

“Look, we don’t need to have some long, drawn out conversation if you don’t want to, okay? All I know is that whatever went wrong last time, I’ll fix it. I’ll change it, I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do... I’m just thrilled you’re finally ready to come back home. The place hasn’t been the same without you.”

_ Now? Now you say this? Where were you when I needed to hear it?  _ Cas grabbed his tea and took a long sip before choosing his next words.  _ If only it were still that simple, Dean.  _ “I should apologize to you, Dean. It appears I should’ve been more clear about why I wanted to see you. I... had no idea you were interested in reconciling.”

His face gave away the moment Dean finally realized this wasn’t a social call. “...Cas?” 

The pain in his chest had to be shoved aside as he reached into his briefcase and pulled out the daunting yellow folder. The folder that brought back horrible memories of his childhood when his parents sat him down for the ‘Daddy will be moving out’ speech. And now here he was, handing his gorgeous husband that envelope. “Our divorce papers, Dean. I met someone, and I’d like to have this finalized before I go any further with her.”

The pain he saw flash inside of Dean’s eyes was nearly enough for Cas to call the whole thing off. He never wanted to see Dean in pain, especially when it was his fault. “You can’t be serious. You’re leaving me for a chick?”

“Don’t do this, Dean. Please. We’ve had half a year apart, I’d have thought you’d have moved on by now.” Cas’ kept his voice hushed - hoping Dean wouldn’t make a scene. 

His husband stared at the folder as if it was the root of all evil, and maybe it was. Maybe all of this was the biggest mistake of Castiel’s life. He couldn’t take the look of betrayal anymore and stood up quickly. “I need to use the restroom, it was a long drive here.”

Rushing off, Cas forced his eyes at his feet, feeling that floating feeling again for only a brief moment, and when he entered the bathroom and saw his reflection, he nearly lost all resolve.  _ I can’t do this. I can’t leave, Dean…  _ **_my_ ** _ Dean. He still loves me, I see it… why isn’t it enough?  _ When a tear slid down his face, he leaned over the sink to wash his face, feeling slightly better when he came up to dry.  _ If it was enough, we wouldn’t be here. Our love isn’t enough. ‘Fires go out, Castiel’.  _ Cas sighed, knowing April was right. And how could he ever give her a chance to experience that inferno when he was still holding on to this… to Dean. 

It wasn’t until he walked back toward the door that he remembered the photo he had in that folder, and he knew by now, Dean had already seen it. It was enough to make him hesitate another moment, not sure what state or mood his husband would be in when he exited the bathroom, but after a few deep calming breaths, he made his way back. 

Dean was sitting there looking as if he saw a ghost, and the pang of guilt still churned inside his gut but he hoped he and Dean could talk through it all. He wanted to tell Dean about April and hoped it might help Dean find someone for himself, someone that would make him want to put in that effort... because that someone wasn’t Cas, not anymore. 

Before he could get deeper into how they got to this point and where he felt it was going, Dean cut him off. 

“Cas, I’m gonna stop you there. I think it’s great you found April, and fuck, I hope she makes you happier than I did. But I can’t do this, okay? Can’t sit here and hear about it like you and I are college buddies that haven’t seen each other in years or some shit. Just... stop. I signed your damn papers, and as soon as this steak comes, I’ll get it to go.” His voice was as steady as always, and Cas was at a loss for words. 

_ He used to be my best friend and we’ll never have it again.  _ Silence thickened between them as Cas reached hesitantly for the folder to double check. When he saw a signature was missing, he nearly left it alone, but he knew the papers would be denied like that so he had to speak up. “You... forgot one. Here.”

Dean grabbed the pen rougher than necessary but Cas couldn’t be mad, Dean had every right to be hurting here. He just wished he could comfort him.

After putting the papers away, he stared sadly at the man he loved and forced a smile on his face. “I’m impressed, Dean. Just a few short months ago, you’d have taken those papers and thrown them into the fire.”

“Nah, I’d have set them on fire and shoved them into your girlfriend’s purse.” He flicked his tongue over his lip, clasping his hands together on the table and leaning forward on his elbows. “What can I say? I’ve grown. Don’t think I don’t see what you did there... timing your little potty break so I’d be left here, curious and alone with that picture of you and the future Mrs. Novak. It was a nice touch, Cas. You knew I’d take one look at it and do whatever the hell you wanted, because you can say what you want about me - but the one thing I’ve  _ always _ wanted was for you to be happy. If that ain’t me anymore, it ain’t me. Far be it from me to stand in your way.” Dean stood abruptly, knocking his knee on the table hard enough to jar the utensils. “Y’know what, keep the steak. Give it to April, tell her it’s a ‘congrats’ gift from me.” He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and shrugged it on, digging through his wallet to pull out some cash and drop it on the table. 

_ No… this wasn’t how this was supposed to end. We were supposed to leave here feeling lighter, so why does everything feel fucking heavier.  _ It took everything in him not to beg Dean to stay. 

Cas gripped his sleeve and lifted himself up, hoping his expression was neutral enough to hide the pain. “Dean, wait.”

For a moment, they made eye contact, the sheer pain on Dean’s face had his heart pounding in his chest and the squeaked out “yeah?” that came out had Cas’ grip tightening on his shirt. 

“I...” Cas opened and closed his mouth, struggling with every single word that attempted to spill.

Dean nodded, licking his lip and pulling his arm free. “Figured. Have a good life, Cas. You deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

And with that, Dean shoved his fists in his jacket pocket and kept his head low as he made a break for the door, leaving their love behind.

Once Dean was gone, Cas rested his elbow on the table and his forehead in his palm.  _ Why are we here? Why did I do this to him… to us? I should have sucked it up… I should have used my damn words. I should have tried harder. And now… it’s over. _

When the waitress came to check on him, Cas paid for their dinner and got it to go. He couldn’t bear eating the food he was supposed to eat with Dean, so he gave it all to a homeless couple near the alleyway. He knew going in this would possibly be their last meal together, and now, they wouldn’t even have that memory. He didn’t get to watch Dean stuff that beautiful mouth full and attempt to speak around it, he didn’t get to hear one last joke that had their drinks coming out of their noses. He didn’t get anything. Just the signed papers of their failed marriage. 

He didn’t even have it in him to feel guilty for telling April he needed a few days alone, and her being so understanding would have normally made him feel bad and invite her over but not tonight. Tonight, Castiel needed to mourn.

~~~~

Things got decidedly worse after that dinner. Cas couldn’t even bring himself to look at the papers right away. Seeing Dean’s signature was sure to break him, and he just didn’t want to deal.

He knew he was doing the right thing, but that fact seldom ever helped anyone sleep at night, despite what the stories would lead people to believe. It still felt as though there was a piece missing from him that he’d never get back, and instead of  _ attempting  _ to get it back, he was actively trying to hack off any bits that remained. 

The days dragged on, shift after shift, night after night with April. She knew why he was distant and respected it, but with each passing moment, Cas was feeling more guilty about doing to her exactly what Dean had done to him. He brought her flowers to say he was sorry, but the look in her eyes told him that she didn’t believe him. He was screwing things up with her, and for what? For nothing.

“Castiel,” she said one night, laying next to him in bed. “You know that the papers won’t do you any good unless you file them, right? Are you having second thoughts about this?”

At first, he wasn’t sure how to answer. He let out a slow breath as he ran through his options, ultimately deciding that he didn’t really have any. “I am. But what kind of man would I be if I didn’t? It’s not that I want him back, at least… not the way things are right now, but…” 

“But you still love him.” It wasn’t a question, and Cas shouldn’t have felt compelled to answer it because of that, but he did anyway. 

“Of course I do. I will love Dean Winchester all the days of my life, and probably well into any afterlife that awaits me. That’s not the type of thing you just… get over.” He pulled her a little closer, and added honestly, “I just want to know for sure that when I file those papers, I can truly put it to rest and leave it in the past. That’s all.” 

April didn’t have much to say after that. It continued on until one night, he stripped off his uniform in the middle of an empty house and decided he  _ had  _ to do it. Had to look at them, had to face them. Had to file them. 

He poured himself a glass of whiskey for old time’s sake and set it on the table, with no actual intentions of drinking it. In a way, it felt symbolic, like Dean himself was sitting next to him to help guide him through what happened next. 

One by one, he flipped through the pages without seeing much of anything at all, until finally… “Dena Winchestar? He…  _ what?”  _ Cas blinked, dropping the pages to the wood and rubbing his eyes, thinking he had to be seeing things. Another glance confirmed that on every single line, Dean had signed the wrong name. 

The papers were useless. Cas barked a laugh, an odd sense of relief flooding through him despite the anger blossoming just underneath. This was such a  _ Dean  _ thing to do that it nearly knocked the wind out of him. For weeks, he’d agonized over the contents of those pages, when all the while, Dean was probably sitting back and smiling that infuriatingly handsome grin that always overtook his face when he was being a brat. Oh, how Castiel used to love it when Dean would act like a brat… or, more accurately, how he used to love  _ correcting  _ such behavior. “Damnit, Dean,” Cas muttered, without any real bite to the words.  _ Even after everything, he’s still Dean, this Dean,  _ **_my_ ** _ Dean. Why does that thought make me ache so much? _

He picked up his phone with the intention of calling - but for what, he wasn’t sure. To yell at him? To thank him for soliciting the first genuine laugh he’d let out in months, no matter how fleeting it was? 

The line was ringing before Cas could even register he’d actually pressed ‘call’. 

“Cas?”

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, sounding like ice even to his own ears. Dean’s voice was nearly angelic, but by that point, the anger had surfaced and Cas couldn’t stop it from coming out. 

“Guess you’re not callin’ to say you miss me, huh?” The sound became muffled like Dean pulled a blanket over his head, and Cas softened just from the visual that gave him. 

He huffed a laugh, but tried to hide it by clearing his throat. “You’re drunk.”

“I’ve had… more than a few, but less than enough. Is your new girlfriend as adorable as I am when she drinks?” 

_ No, it’s physically, completely impossible for someone to be as adorable as you are.  _ “She doesn’t drink. Neither do I. This isn’t why I called, Dean.” He exhaled a long breath, bracing himself for the argument to come. “Why did you sign some bullshit name?”

“God, you’re hot when you’re angry. C’mon, yell at me a little bit, I’m already rockin’ a half chub.” 

“Dean!” Cas faltered, his cock responding instantly to the challenge. He closed his eyes, begging himself to stay on topic. “This isn’t a game. Why is everything a game for you?”

“Uhh… sorry, Cas. Goin’ through a tunnel, service sucks. Gonna have to call -”  _ Click.  _

Cas said Dean’s name several times without an answer, and only then did he pull the phone away from his ear to confirm he’d been hung up on.  _ He’s still a child, why won’t he just let us be done?  _ But even as the thought ran through his mind, he knew the answer.  _ He won’t let us be done because that’s not what he wants, and maybe that’s not what I want, either. Maybe it’s… No, this  _ **_is_ ** _ what I want, and I managed to get this far. I won’t let him do this to me again.  _

With a clenched jaw and a thickening cock that didn’t seem to want to go away, Cas called him back, but Dean didn’t answer. Groaning in frustration, Cas left his uniform on the floor and put his gun sway, then crawled into bed and ignored the throbbing mass between his legs begging for Dean’s warm, tight ass.  _ He’s not yours anymore, down boy. This isn’t the time.  _

No matter what he did or how much time passed, Cas - nor his cock - would ever get over Dean being a brat. He fell asleep still hard, and his dreams were filled with green eyes and a smile that could banish the darkness forever. Even then, though, he still couldn’t have Dean… He was just out of reach. 

~~~~

“I’ve called eight times in the last three days, April. He’s not answering me.” Cas paced his living room with his phone in his hand. “I don’t want to get the law involved, that’s ridiculous. He can’t hide from me forever.” April watched him with her legs curled up on the couch and a glass of sparkling grape juice. Even the drink alone was pissing Cas off - champagne was bad enough, but a teenage, non-alcohol knockoff? He needed a  _ real  _ drink, and he needed one badly. “You try him then,” he snapped, taking her silence as an accusation. 

She cleared her throat quietly, looking unphased. “No. If you say he’ll come around, I believe you… but Castiel, I think I should go home.”

“What?” He asked, suddenly sounding more afraid than angry. “No, you don’t have to. I’m sorry, I just… I feel like I’m not doing enough to make this right.”

April nodded slightly and took a sip of her stupid drink. “It’s not your fault that he signed the wrong name and is now acting like a child, Castiel. I don’t blame you, which means you have nothing to be sorry for.”

_ I had the same exact thought about Dean. So why do the words coming from her mouth make me want to scream and throw things until she understands how incredible he is?  _ Cas deflated, sitting down on the carpet near the couch opposite her. He pressed his back against it and bent his knee, trying to give himself some semblance of stability. “I’ve been treating you very poorly,” he admitted. “I honestly don’t know why you’re still here.”

“Honestly? I don’t either,” she said, but with humor instead of malice. “But I’m starting to think I understand. Let’s just… order dinner tonight instead of cooking, and I’ll give you a massage before bed. I can see that you’re tense.”

He was, and he didn’t think he could bring himself to pass up the offer, but even  _ that  _ reminded him of Dean. He pulled out his phone with the pretext of ordering food, but texted Dean instead. 

**Castiel:** **_Dean, you’re acting like an insufferable child. Call me back._ **

He hated the words as he read over them, but he meant it. He quickly ordered food and then made his way upstairs with April, content to get that massage while they waited for the delivery, and also hopefully a return text from Dean. But the time they made their way to the door to collect their food, Cas phone was still void of notifications, though it clearly stated that Dean had read the message in the same minute that Cas had sent it. 

**Castiel:** **_you’re being an asshole. You know you have your read receipts on, right? I can see that you see these?_ **

Again, almost instantly, the ‘delivered’ message changed to ‘read’, and Cas’ heart jumped into his throat as he saw the three dots signaling that Dean was typing back. His pulse kicked up and his palms started sweating, but after several, agonizing seconds, the dots disappeared… and didn’t pop back up. “Damnit!” he yelled, whipping his phone onto the couch and running both hands through his hair as he turned.

Looking startled, April froze with his Kung Pao chicken container in her hand, half outstretched. “Castiel?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” He took a second to let himself calm down, then gently grabbed the box and sat down. “I’m just… ready for this to be over, and I can see that he’s reading my messages. It’s like he  _ wants  _ me to watch him ignore me, as if I didn’t do that for the last two years of our marriage.”

She came to sit next to him and nodded, understanding. “Maybe you should go see him? It’ll be harder for him to dodge you in person.”

Cas shook his head, running through that scenario in his mind. At best, they’d argue, and Cas would have to face the fact that he’d have to take him to court. At worst… no, Cas couldn’t think about the worst case scenario. Because the first thing that popped into his head was that Dean would sign the papers correctly without a fight, and while that was  _ supposed  _ to be the goal, Cas couldn’t stop himself from thinking he didn’t want it to be that easy for Dean. He wanted him to struggle the way that Cas struggled with the decision to file for months. “I think that’s what he wants… and I’m tired of giving in. For once, we’re going to do things my way, even if it takes a little longer than I’d prefer. I hope you understand.” 

The look on her face told him that she  _ didn’t,  _ but she nodded nonetheless. “I do, but I’m positive that I should keep some distance. Just until this is over, or at least progressing again. The last thing I want is for us to end up resenting each other because of your anger toward Dean.”

It was nothing more than another example of how knowing something is right didn’t make things easier. He knew he’d never be as happy with her as he was with Dean, but he was too selfish to send her away entirely if she really wanted the pieces he had left to offer her. But she wasn’t wrong, his anger was repeatedly getting in the way, and if they didn’t do something to break the cycle… he was afraid they’d do irreparable damage to their own relationship. 

And Cas already felt damaged enough. 

~~~~

Finally fed up with being ignored, Cas decided to take matters into his own hands, follow April’s advice, and go home. He knew he really should stop calling it ‘home’, but he couldn’t help it. In his heart, that would always be home. 

How long he sat in the car would have been embarrassing if anyone saw him, but luckily no one did, and when he finally approached the door, he still had to give himself a pep talk to knock.  _ Dean is just toying with me, he would never kick me out of our home…  _ **_our_ ** _ home… I don’t have to knock… I have a damn key.  _

He fished it out, but once again couldn’t bring himself to use it.  _ I don’t have the right, I should knock. I sh-  _

A handsome young man with stunning eyes opened the door. One eye was blue, but the other, sectoral heterochromia eye was half blue and half brown. The sight alone was enough to have Cas frozen for a second, but then his brain caught up, and he wondered who the hell this guy was. 

“Oh shit, that’s creepy.”

_ Creepy? Who the fuck are you and why are you in  _ **_my_ ** _ house? _

Jask walked up behind him and stood up straight with his jaw tensed, like Cas was some kind of threat. “Dean?”

“What?” Dean’s voice snapped Cas out of the awkward staring match he was having with Jaskier, and he moved to walk around the tall men blocking the doorway. “J…?”

“I wasn’t being creepy, you just opened before I could knock.” Cas shoved the key inside his pocket and stood straighter. 

Dean turned pale at the sight of Cas but he found his voice much faster than Cas had. “Gonna need the key back, Cas. This is still my house.” He held out his hand, and for the first time, Castiel noticed the man sitting next to him. 

_ Who the hell is  _ **_this_ ** _ guy? What is this? Some kind of double date? So much for never moving on, huh?  _ Before he could ask about him, the shorter man spoke. 

“Uhh… Who the hell is this?” he asked, and Cas frowned.

_ I should be asking the questions here, not you. You don’t even seem like Dean’s type.  _

“Well, Cole. Meet Cas. My  _ husband.”  _

_ Husband? Yet, you were sitting awfully close to this stranger.  _ _ “Ex _ husband.” Cas reached back in his pocket and pulled out the key with a deep sigh. “I was going to give it back anyway.”

Cole looked around awkwardly and then walked toward the door. “This… isn’t a good time, I’m gonna…” 

_ Good. Leave, assbutt.  _

“Nah, it’s a great time, stick around. Cas has moved on, too. Right?” Dean’s words seemingly made Cole uncomfortable, but he was obviously too pissed off to care. 

Cas frowned and set the key on the coffee table they made together just two summers ago, forcing his eyes back up to Dean’s. “I think we should talk in private.”

“Fine. J, don't look at me like that, just come back later on with a case of whiskey and every All Saints Day movie you can get your hands on, I’ll be fine. Seems I need to have a few words with Greybeach PD’s former finest.” 

Jask looked like he was going to argue, but ultimately muttered something under his breath and dragged his confused looking  _ friend _ out the door. Huffing, Dean turned to Cole and pulled him close. “Sorry this got cut short, but I’ll make it up to you, alright? I know this looks bad, but he’s here to divorce me. I’ll explain later if you’ll let me?”

Cole glanced at Cas and then met Dean’s eyes with a nod. “Okay, sure you don’t need someone to stay?”

Cas scoffed, deciding to keep his mouth shut.  _ Stay here and I’ll throw you out.  _

Dean had the nerve to cup Cole’s chin and lean down to kiss him quickly. He stayed close as he said, “Just something to convince you to come back,” then brought their lips together once more. 

That seemed to be good enough to satisfy Cole, but Cas couldn’t see any more of this. Dean was fucking with him… again. “It seems you are ready to move on, how about you sign the damn papers and I leave, so you can get back to... whatever  _ this _ is. Maybe use your real name this time,  _ Dena?” _

Dean stepped back, winking as Cole made his way out the door with an awkward nod to Cas. 

Once they were alone, Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to face his husband. “Think I can get you to buy the whole ‘can’t hear you, bad service, tunnel’ thing again?”

“Not a chance. And this way, you can’t hang up or ignore me.” He tossed the papers on the coffee table and sat on the couch with an exaggerated sigh. “Dean. Can we sit and be adults here?”

Dean wasn’t quite done being an ass, so he shrugged, raising his eyebrows. “Guess that depends, can I sit on your lap? You know I listen better like that.”

It was a struggle, but Cas managed to keep a smile off his face as he straightened up and crossed his legs. “No. My girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate that. Since when were you such a brat outside of bed?”

“Not like there’s anyone around to make me behave anymore, and what can I say? I get cagey when people want me to do stupid shit.” He respected Cas’ space and sat on the edge of the table, picking up the key and fidgeting with it. “Fine, you wanna talk like adults? Talk.”

“Stupid shit? Like divorce papers after over half a year of separation? Dean. What do you want to happen here? We stay married so we can never truly give ourselves the opportunity to move on, and just never speak? Not to mention, we stopped speaking long before we separated.” Cas leaned forward slightly and met Dean’s eyes.

“I got a better idea, Cas. Move back in with me. For one month, just one.” He licked his lip, lifting himself off the table slightly to tug at his jeans. “You may wanna end this, to throw away everything we have… but I don’t. Not yet, anyway. I might not be the one for you, but I’m pretty goddamn sure you’re the one for me.”

Cas scoffed and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And what would that accomplish? This isn’t a romcom, Dean. Regardless of your love for chick flicks.”  _ Move in for just one month? Is this a joke? _

“Psssh, I don’t love chick flicks.” Dean blushed. “And y’know what, fuck that. We were better than a stupid romcom, Cas. And yeah, okay, so my plan might be a bit chick-flickish, but I’m standing by it. When this is over, you get to go back to April and start your life, you get the girl. What the hell do I get, huh?” Dean seemed to struggle a moment. “I get nothin’, so yeah. I want you to move back in for a month. Let me be happy for one more damn month. Eat with me, sleep next to me, act like we’re still friggin married. At the end of the month…” He took a breath, picking up the papers and staring down at them. “If you still wanna leave me when this is over, I’ll sign your papers. I’ll give you everything, the house, all our stuff. You can have it all. You have my word, Cas.”

“I don’t want to take anything from you, Dean. I’m not taking this house.” Cas felt completely deflated and stood up. “I’m leaving.” Cas made his way toward the door, leaving the papers behind. “This idea is crazy and would never work.”

Dean shook his head, standing, too. “Nah, Cas. I think you’re afraid it  _ will  _ work, and you’ll have to admit you were wrong.” He headed for the door and opened it, stepping aside. “But fine, have it your way. Guess we’ll just stay married, then. Have fun cheating on me with August.”

“Her name is  _ April,  _ and I’m not cheat-” Cas stopped himself and turned to storm away.  _ I can’t do this. I can’t be here. _ “Goodbye, Dean.”

He left the papers behind on purpose. It was Dean’s turn to stare at them.

~~~~

Cas stayed in a motel that night, refusing to go back to his own house. Part of him believed that if he stayed in Greybeach long enough, he’d convince himself to go back and finish what he started - but another part of him simply couldn’t bring himself to drive away from Dean again. He tossed and turned almost all night replaying their encounter.  _ What good would moving in do other than make us both miserable again? Nothing has changed, except for now… I remember what it’s like to have someone attentive, doting. Someone that uses her words and doesn’t shy away when I use mine. What could he possibly hope to accomplish with this?  _

April called twice, and he ignored them both, hoping she’d believe him when he told her he was asleep. Around noon, he finally realized he wasn’t going back to Dean’s and climbed into his car to head home. He texted April to ask her to meet him there, knowing she expected and deserved an explanation for his silence.

The drive felt shorter than it really was, much like with any trip where the destination was unfavorable. She was there when he pulled in, but instead of heading inside, he sat in his car for several moments. His thoughts were jumbled and exhaustion was tugging at his bones, and he hoped she’d just take a nap with him instead of making him talk. 

“Hi,” she said quietly as he finally set down his keys and shrugged his coat off. “I missed you.” 

Cas smiled as kindly as he could, opening his arms as an invitation for a hug. “I’m very sorry.”

She melted against him, her cheek pressed against his chest. “Don't apologize, I’m just glad you’re back. Did you get what you needed?”

“Of course I didn’t. And he had... a man there.” He didn’t know why he said that, but he’d never shied away from honesty with April, and he wouldn’t start now. “He acted like a complete brat the entire time and asked me to move back in for one month. Just one. What the hell is he thinking?”

No answer came for several moments, but she ultimately pulled back to look at him. “I don’t know. Did he tell you why he wanted you to move back in? What’s the catch?” 

Cas shrugged. “Why does it matter? It wouldn’t do anything good...”  _ Unless it saves our marriage. _ “He said to give our marriage one last shot before we quit. And that if I still wanted to leave, he’d sign the papers.”

She frowned deeply, reaching up to touch his face. “And you told him… no?”

"Of course I did. I told him this isn't some movie, it's our lives." Cas pulled away, feeling so damn torn he couldn't bring himself to stay in her arms. "Do you think I should try it?"

Every line of her face said no, and to begin with, her mouth followed suit. “No, I don’t… but I’m also quite sure that’s just me being selfish. Castiel…” she paused, wrapping her arms around herself in Cas’ absence, “I need to be objective. And objectively speaking, you  _ have  _ to do this. I don’t see any other way around it.” 

"Is there a saying about objectivity being overrated? If not, there should be." Cas sighed and plopped down on a chair, looking completely exhausted. "If I don't... I would always wonder 'what if', wouldn't I?"

She nodded, not moving. “Yes. And so will I. Either you move in for a month and realize there’s still something in Dean worth fighting for, or you don’t… and at the end of the month, he’ll sign the papers. One way or the other… one month, and it’s over. Don't you want that?”

Cas nodded, not trusting his voice. As she spoke, he instantly knew what he wanted to happen at the end of this month, and it wasn't fair for her in the slightest. "I think... if I did this… we would have to keep a distance this month. I can't be with you and go all in over there. I... just can't. We have to put this aside. I'm so, so sorry, April."

Tears formed in her eyes but she sucked in a breath and nodded. “I understand, and I appreciate your honestly. Heck, if you manage to keep that up over there… things might actually work out.” She wiped her face then looked around. “I’ll get my things.” 

"April... do you want to stay one last night?" He hoped she would say no, and he felt really bad for feeling that way, but if this could help her... he would do it.

She shook her head quickly, forcing a smile. “No, I think it’s better if I go.” April didn’t move right away. “When this is over, if you do get divorced… will you come back to me?”

"Of course. Although, I won't blame you for telling me to fuck off. I deserve it." He pulled her in for another hug and kissed her temple. "I'm sorry I keep doing this to you."

For a moment, she latched onto him like she had no intention of letting him go. “Just.. take care of yourself, Castiel. Please don’t let him drag you under again… you’ve made so much progress. Promise me.”

"Okay, April. I promise." They kissed, and Cas could feel the emptiness behind it. Regardless of what happened with Dean... they were over.

~~~~

For over a week, Cas went back and forth in his head on whether he was actually going or not. 

He wanted to, he couldn’t lie to himself and say he didn’t want to. But if he went and things got worse... he wasn’t sure if he could survive that again. The more he thought about that, the more he realized it was the same for Dean. Yes, he was an insufferable brat, but when he’d seen him... it was clear that Dean wasn’t okay. 

They  _ both  _ needed this to work.  _ Maybe things will be different this time. If we’re both on board, and both know what’s at stake… it has to be better, right?  _ It felt a lot like wishful thinking, but maybe that was exactly what Cas needed. 

Explaining the situation to his boss was awkward, especially when he informed Castiel that PTO was just supposed to be just that: personal.  _ Okay, maybe I overshared, but at least he approved the paperwork quickly… if only to get me out of his office.  _

He had to work another two weeks, but when he left work for the last time, a piece of him hoped it was the last time he ever worked in that station. Quite frankly, Cas was over being a cop.  _ I’ve been shot, overworked, kicked, stepped on, and seen more than my fair share of evil and death. I just… I want to be done, and maybe it’s time. If only I could do something with bees. Then I’d find solace every single day.  _ He laughed as he pictured himself in a bee suit and made his way home to pack. 

After calling Dean once - and being ignored - he didn’t try again.  _ That was your heads up. If that short guy is there, I won’t be as nice this time.  _ Just the thought of another man being there had Cas packing much quicker. He couldn’t bear the thought of another man being inside Dean,  _ his  _ Dean. 

The drive seemed longer this time, like the universe was trying and failing to give him time to change his mind. He knew he wouldn’t - he was in too deep and wanted this to work too badly to turn back now, and the universe would just have to deal with it. Dean needed him… and there was no way he was going to say no to that. 

Getting out of the car was another matter entirely, and he nearly started it back up to drive home. But as the word crossed his mind, he stared up at the house he shared with Dean all those years.  _ No,  _ **_this_ ** _ is home. _

After knocking, he began to fidget.  _ What the hell am I doing here?  _ He had a strong feeling Dean would be drunk, but him dropping an entire bottle of whiskey at the sight of him was still a shock.  _ Dammit, Dean. _

“Cas?”

Cas stood straighter when he saw him, but it was mostly a rigid attempt to stop himself from hugging him. “You took my key,  _ husband.” _ He walked past him and stepped over the mess as he headed to the kitchen for paper towels. “It’s the middle of the afternoon, Dean.”

He was surprised to find that the kitchen hadn’t changed a bit, and as he was grabbing what he needed, Cas let himself draw in a long breath.  _ It still smells like home. _

When Cas came back to clean the liquid, Dean was looking at him like he couldn’t believe he was really there. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Castiel rolled his eyes and continued cleaning. “Is this why you asked me to move back in? To clean?” His lips nearly upturned in a grin, but he forced them down.

“Hey, I’m the one with the maid outfit.” Dean smiled softly and nudged Cas. “Remember that?”

_ Of course I remember, how could I forget? I had no idea I’d even be turned on by such a thing until I saw you wearing it. God, you were a vision.  _ It took just about every ounce of self control that he had not to gush about it, but instead, he steeled his expression and reminded himself why things were the way they were. “We shouldn’t talk about that stuff, Dean. It’s... the past.”

Dean fell silent for a moment as he discarded the broken glass. “So what, like… ground rules?”

“Yes. That would be a great place to start. No sex. That is my no. What is yours?” Cas braced his hands on the table and eyed Dean, knowing that wouldn’t be received very well, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. Dean had always used sex as a placeholder for actual conversations, and if they wanted things to work this time around, they needed to do it differently.  _ I’m honestly not much better. Why fight when you can sink your cock inside of the most beautiful creature to ever exist? But no, things have to be different this time…  _ **_We_ ** _ have to be different.  _

“I don’t have any. Wait - yeah, I do. You’re not allowed to be an ass unless I actually deserve it. Not for past shit, either. I gotta deserve it in the moment.” 

“Fair enough.” Cas agreed, though he thought it was a little harsh that Dean thought he’d be an ass for no reason. “And you can’t be drunk the whole time.”

Dean looked at him skeptically, but nodded. “Deal, but you gotta have one drink with me every day.”

_ I stopped drinking entirely because of you, and now you want me to start again?  _ Some part of Cas rebelled against the idea, but he truly didn’t know if he’d be able to make it through this without the occasional drink. “Every day? That sounds excessive. What about two drinks twice a week?” 

“Fine, but then I’m making an amendment to one of yours since you altered one of mine. I can kiss you once a day.” 

Cas tensed and stood up straighter. He looked down, contemplating how to respond to that before he spoke.  _ There’s no way he kisses me and we don’t take it further. But on the other hand, I already want to kiss him breathless and make up for all of the time we lost, and this is supposed to be about compromise. This might be selfish, but...  _ “Okay. Once.” He walked over to the fridge and grabbed them both a water. “Drink. When’s the last time you ate food?”

Dean took the water without complaint and drank. “Dinner last night? I made one of those frozen microwave deals. You want me to cook us something while you unpack?”

“I’ll cook. You need something other than burgers.” Cas knew exactly where everything was and felt so stupidly comfortable in Dean’s kitchen it hurt, and therefore he wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to hold on to that feeling for as long as he could.  _ I’m home. This is home.  _

Dean grinned and grabbed Cas’ suitcase. “I’ll unpack your bags then, and uh… guess I’m gonna have to go grocery shopping tomorrow. You coulda called first, y’know.”

_ I tried to call you. You just didn’t think it was worth it to answer.  _ “Why, so you could hit ignore?” He kept milling around the stove. “Go ahead, will my things be where they were before?”

He grimaced. “Yeah, your dresser is still empty. I think I remember where everything goes.” 

As Dean disappeared, Cas began cooking. He knew that already, they were off to a better start than he’d expected - but he was trying not to get his hopes up too much.  _ This could still go wrong at any moment.  _

He hadn’t brought much with him, so it didn’t take a Dean too long to finish and make his way back out. Cas nodded quickly to him as he served their dinner and set the plates on the table. “Thank you for unpacking, Dean. Hungry?”

“Starving, Cas. Thanks.” He sat down, scooting his chair in and waiting until Cas joined him to actually dig in. The first bite drew a tiny, quiet moan of approval from Dean, and Cas shivered with the sound of it. 

They ate in relative silence, and when they finished, they stayed sitting awhile. Words were hard for them, but Cas hoped they’d get over this awkward phase soon. 

Cas ended up not speaking at all - even though he absolutely tried to a few times - and stood abruptly to start cleaning the kitchen.  _ Ask. I have to ask.  _ “Where am I sleeping, Dean?”

“No, sit. You cooked, I’ll clean.” Dean rushed over, swatting Cas’ hand as he was reaching for the water faucet. “And uh… well, with… with me. I…” he trailed off and cleared his throat. __ “I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

Cas moved aside and eyed him for a moment. He wouldn’t lie to himself and say that wasn’t the answer he’d been hoping for, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure if that was the best way to go about this.  _ Good thing I don’t have to be completely sober anymore.  _ “Fine. I’ll go shower. I think I’ll take that drink after.”

He walked away before Dean could respond, heading toward the bathroom and stripping quickly. He really didn’t need a shower, but he absolutely  _ had  _ needed a moment away from Dean’s beautiful, hopeful eyes and gorgeous face.  _ Being here is already the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and yet… also the most worthy.  _ He cleaned himself, and chose not to masturbate despite the urge thanks to the thoughts about that maid outfit. Cas shut the water off and ran a hand through his hair before toweling off and getting dressed, choosing comfort over everything else. 

When Cas returned, Dean had everything clean, a couple of candles lit, and a single glass of whiskey sitting on the table. “Figure I’ve already had mine for the day, right?” He grinned, immediately tearing down all of the resolve Cas had built up in the shower. 

Cas offered a faint smirk as he sat down in his bumblebee pajama pants. “Thank you.” He took a long sip of whiskey and made a face that showed it had been a while since he drank. “It’s just as disgusting as I remember.”

“Yeah, I’ll… get you something you _do_ like when I go to the store tomorrow. Shit, I’m sorry.” Dean glanced at the inches between them and huffed a quiet sigh, but didn’t move or comment on it. “I was watchin’ a documentary when you got here, the remote is next to you if you wanna watch somethin’ else, though.”

“Which one?” Cas tilted his head in curiosity. “I remember you calling me boring for those.” He smiled and met Dean’s eyes, and what he saw there made him ache. Dean looked so hopeful, so… happy, that Cas nearly decided to screw doing things differently and just giving in. He wanted to hold him. 

Dean nodded slowly, willingly trapped in his gaze. “Yeah, well, I was an idiot. I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea what this one was supposed to be about. Was kinda havin’ a bad day. Wasn’t really paying attention. We can start it over, if you want.”

“Okay.” Cas grabbed the remote to start it over and placed it in the space between them. He took another sip and coughed a little from the burn, but at least it was something. 

The documentary was actually incredibly interesting, and he was proud of Dean for choosing it, even if he hadn’t watched it either time. His eyes were fixed on Cas, but Cas was choosing not to point it out.  _ Maybe if you stare at me long enough, you’ll remember why you loved me in the first place.  _

Cas finished his drink and set it aside, knowing his cheeks were already flushed from the alcohol, and he started gushing about history. But things were different this time. Dean listened. He  _ showed _ Cas that he was listening. He asked questions and tried to look him in the eyes, despite the fact that Cas couldn’t bring himself to look at him at  _ all. _

When it was over, Cas had relaxed quite a bit, but by contrast, it appeared that Dean was even more tense. “So, uh… ground rules. Just no sex and I can’t get drunk? Any others?” Dean asked quietly. 

“I didn’t say you could  _ never  _ get drunk. Or... yeah, no getting drunk. Just a buzz.” He crossed his legs on the couch and twiddled his thumbs. “I feel like there are more I should be thinking of, but I can’t. What about... sleeping with other people?” Cas looked up then and tilted his head again. “I think if we are going to do this,  _ really _ do this. No others should be involved, like the man that was here the last time I came.”  _ I’ll kill him if he comes back.  _

“So, celibate for a month, huh? Not outta the ordinary for me. Deal.” He shrugged, looking like it truly wasn’t a big deal or a new thing for him. 

Cas frowned slightly. “Have you... not?”

Dean shook his head a little bit, looking down at the floor. “Nah, not once. Not since you left, anyway.” 

He frowned again and looked away, staring down at his hands.  _ All that time I was sleeping with April and assuming Dean had moved on, and he hadn’t at all.  _ “Oh. Wh- never mind. Apologies. I think we should head to bed, but I have another thing...”

“Lay it on me, Cas. All ears.” 

“I think this is good. Sitting and talking. I’d like to do it every night and if not every night, every other night. Do you think that is possible?” Cas never looked up as he spoke, he was too nervous to see the look on Dean’s face. Talking had never been what they were best at. 

He nodded quickly. “I’d like that a lot, Cas. God, I miss hearing your voice so much it’s stupid.”

Cas’ eyes slammed shut and he inhaled a deep breath before standing. “That alcohol has me craving something sweet. Do you have anything?” He made his way to the cabinets to search, but it was mainly just a distraction. Dean seemed different in a good way, and the hope rising in Cas’ chest was already threatening to drag him under. 

“If you count pie as sweet, which you  _ should,  _ there’s whatever’s left of one in the oven. Or there’s chocolate in the cupboard where you used to keep all the board games… please don’t ask me why.” 

“Okay...” He pulled out the pie from the oven and grabbed two forks. “Here. There isn’t enough for two, but we can share.”

In arguably the most selfless act he’d ever committed, Dean shook his head and stood up. “Nah, you eat it. I already ate… almost all of it. I’ll go warm up your side of the bed… I know how you hate cold sheets, and since I can’t really cuddle with you… yeah. Enjoy the pie.” He turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Cas alone with the remnants of a pie and a hole in his chest that was screaming at him to just fill it already. 

He climbed into bed a little while later and sighed as he laid his head back on the pillow. “Um... goodnight?”  _ How does this work now?  _

“Nah, you owe me a kiss. I promise I’ll keep my tongue in my own mouth.”

After a brief internal pep talk, Cas sat up, looming over Dean a second before leaning in and kissing him. He pulled back quickly, not trusting himself to stop kissing him if he didn’t, and rolled over to face the wall. “Goodnight, Dean.”  _ How am I supposed to do this? I want more…  _ **_need_ ** _ more. I missed those lips so bad it hurts. _

When Dean finally answered, his voice cracked. “Yeah. G’night, Cas.”


	3. Chapter 3

Waking up at home was strange. Not in a bad way of course, but when his eyes first opened and the smells of the life he left behind hit him, he couldn’t help but feel a little sad. This was home, it always would be, and he had been living somewhere different. He should have never had to leave, things should have never gotten so bad. 

When the smells of breakfast hit him, he stayed laying a while, rolling over to sniff Dean’s pillow and close his eyes tightly when the sting of unshed tears pooled in his eyes. This month was going to be harder than he had anticipated. Being so close to Dean and unable to touch was torture, and the fact that Dean still wanted him made it near impossible to fight. Cas wanted him too, in every single way.  _ He’s my husband. I should be able to kiss, touch, and fuck him whenever I want, but if I do… if I give in… we would easily fall back into our old routine, and if we ruin this again… well… this isn’t baseball. I can’t do this again. Not to me, not to Dean.  _

Before those damned tears fell, he forced himself out of bed and went to use the restroom and brush his teeth. The motions around their bathroom were so natural he hardly had to think about what he was doing. Nothing had changed, Dean left everything where it was, even Cas’ razor that he forgot when he moved out.  _ Did he truly have no motivation to move on? Am I truly it for him? He’s showing me… now. Why didn’t he show me then? _

When he finally walked out of the bedroom, the smell of bacon and waffles was much stronger and he couldn’t help but smile, even if it was so bright out there he couldn’t open both eyes. “Morning. Smells good.”

Dean seemed to be struggling with something but he bounced back quickly. “Morning. Coffee?” Dean grabbed Cas’ favorite mug from the cupboard and filled it quickly, walking it over and handing it to him. “Would it be inappropriate to ask for today’s kiss right now? You look adorable, Castiel. Seriously.”

Cas huffed a laugh and nodded.  _ You actually look adorable too, and I would love to kiss you. _ “Sure. But don’t complain later on when you want bedtime kisses.” He took the cup and stood there, awaiting his kiss.

“Okay, okay. I’ll wait. Might just kill me, but I’ll wait. Beginning to think I shoulda negotiated that one better.” He dished up their breakfast instead and winked at Cas, pulling a chair out for him. 

“You could have said one every morning and one every night.” Cas turned away and went to sit at the dining table, his eyes watching Dean in the kitchen.

“Or, we could amend it. You get one, I get one.” Dean sounded so hopeful it made Cas’ chest ache. __

“I think that is fair. I’ll take mine now, and you can still have yours for whenever you want to use it.” He took a sip of coffee with a small smirk, feeling as though they might be crossing a line but also not caring. 

Dean walked over, cupping Cas’ face gently and tilting his head up as he leaned down and pressed their lips together, holding as long as he dared, then pulled back slowly with his eyes closed. “Like that?”

_ Thank the gods.  _ “That was… very nice to wake up to, thank you.” Cas went back to his coffee and looked down at the liquid.

Dean took the seat across from him, looking proud of himself. “Just wait till you get a mouthful of  _ these  _ bad boys.” 

“Looks good, smells good. Let’s see.” Cas took a bite and released a moan. “Dean. These are amazing.”

A genuine smile split Dean’s face and Cas noticed he brought his legs a little closer together under the table. “I learned a couple of tricks while you were gone.” 

“Is that so? Ever learn how to find your car keys?” Cas joked and took another bite.

Pink blossomed in his cheeks and he looked down, poking at his waffle and eating a bite way too large for his mouth. “Nuhhn.”

“I’ve told you  _ so _ many times. Pick a place and stick to it. I even bought that key thing for the wall that we never put up.” Cas chuckled at the memories, even though they hurt.  _ Simpler times.  _ “Remember when we lost them for an entire week?”

Dean shuddered. “Yeah, and we were stuck driving your little piece of shit instead of Baby. It was awful.” He smiled just a little, and pointed to the wall by the door where the key hanger was mounted. “I did put it up, though. Eventually.”

_ He hung it up. It was underneath our junk mail pile for so long and he waited until I was gone to hang it.  _ He didn’t know why that made him sad, but it did. “It looks good.”

After breakfast, Cas went to freshen up and take a few moments to breathe.  _ It is so easy to slip back into the motions. Lazy Sundays are for sex and cuddling, and seeing as neither of those are wise, I don’t know what to do next.  _ Even after everything, he wanted nothing more than to hold his husband. 

When he came back out, Dean looked a little nervous so Cas walked over and sat on the couch, hoping to rid some of that awkwardness. “Want to... hang out?”

They ended up watching a western together, and Cas forced his eyes to remain on the screen. He knew those gorgeous lips were mouthing along to every word, but he couldn’t watch that. He wouldn’t be able to fight the urge to kiss him and one of these kisses would surely to go too far. 

When it ended, Dean felt a store trip was in order and Cas didn’t think they should be apart anymore than they had been. Dean already had work the next day and Cas knew this month would fly by as it was. 

Riding in Baby again felt like a dream. The memories they had in that car were among Cas’ favorites, and just feeling her rumble had him hardening in his jeans. 

As always, they had fun together, but all too soon they were pulling up at home and unloading the groceries. It felt so normal that Cas was nearly fooled into believing things were back to the way they were, but the second Dean tried to hold his hand, the reality of it all slapped him in the face. 

He stood there, frowning down at his hand and thinking of all the times he needed Dean’s hand in his, and Dean wasn’t there.  _ Why now?! Why now that we’re broken? _

“Hey, what the hell happened?”

“You can’t keep pushing, Dean. There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed, it isn’t fair to either of us.” He knew he was being ridiculous over a hand touch, but he was angry. Not only at Dean, but also at himself. 

Defensiveness visibly caused Dean’s shoulders to tense and he stood his ground. __ “So, what, I can kiss you twice a day but I can’t touch you? I didn’t even do anything, Cas!” He dipped his head, rubbing his jaw with an unsure hand. “Look, I’m sorry, but the whole reason I wanted you to move back in was so we would act like we were still married for a month. Not so you’d be close enough to touch but I wouldn’t be allowed. That’s friggin torture.” 

“Act like we were married...” Cas scoffed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “We didn’t even act like we were married at the end of our  _ actual _ marriage, Dean. Do you know how it feels to stare at the man you love and get nothing in return? It was like talking to a wall.” Once again, those traitorous tears threatened to spill.  _ Why does this still hurt so bad? _

“First of all, you were pulling away  _ long  _ before I was, Cas. And second, yeah - I do fuckin’ know what that’s like, cause it’s happenin’ right now!” Dean was angry, and when Dean was angry, he would never admit his faults.

_ Sure, let’s just blame me for everything.  _ Cas crossed his arms with a frown, choosing his next words carefully. On one hand, Dean was right. Cas did have a wall up, but he felt it was warranted. “I’m sorry I’m doing that to you now. But I did  _ not _ pull away first, Dean. I pulled away to protect myself, I was giving so much and you stopped even asking how my day was. At first it was just to try it, just to see if you’d notice... and then  _ nothing _ changed.” He backed against the wall and laid his head back with an exasperated sigh, still fighting back angry tears.

“Yeah, and instead of coming to me and saying ‘Hello, Dean. Can you please stop being an assbutt and be a functional member of this marriage again’ you just left!” Cas didn’t even have the opportunity to react to that poor imitation of him, and even if he did, Dean wouldn’t care - and  _ that _ was part of the problem. “You left me, Cas. And that was the second worst day of my life, right behind when Mom died.”

Cas was angry, and it showed in every gorgeous line on his face. “Well, it was the  _ best _ day of mine, because everything became so clear. I left, but  _ you _ didn’t stop me. The imperfect end to an imperfect marriage.” He walked into their bedroom and slammed the door, finally letting the tears fall freely.  _ That was fucking mean… Even I know that was mean. But fuck! How does he do this to me so easily? _

The day didn’t go as planned, but when Cas fell asleep that night he realized something huge. He and Dean actually used their words. It wasn’t in the healthiest way, but it was a step.

~~~~

Things were tense for a few days, and it was so bad that Dean hadn’t even been asking for his daily kisses. It was clear that even though they’d finally hashed out some things, they still had so much to work through, and the overly polite bullshit wasn’t working.  _ It didn’t work back then, it isn’t working now. But, as it turns out... old habits die hard.  _

Dean was extra bratty on those days; walking around shirtless, dropping his towels, eating foods inappropriately. Cas could see what he was doing, he just didn’t know how to fix it. If he asked Dean to stop, he’d just get angry and they’d argue again, and if he gave in… well, Cas wasn’t ready to find out what that would mean for them. 

Today, Dean was going for the trifecta. He was fresh out of the shower in only his towel and eating spaghetti like it was some aphrodisiac. How hard Cas was under their table was painful, but he managed to keep a straight face. “Is it really that good? You’re moaning like it is better than sex.”

“I don’t even know what sex  _ is  _ anymore, angel. This spaghetti’s all I’ve got.” He cocked his head to the side and watched the noodles dangle off his fork, then leaned in and used his tongue to wrap them around the tines and pull the whole mess into his mouth. 

Cas rolled his eyes and pointedly looked down at his plate.  _ How am I supposed to keep my hands off of him? He’s doing this shit on purpose! _ “How about you slurp up some of that salad too then, hmm?”

“I’m a warrior, Cas. I’m not doing anything to that salad, it doesn’t have my consent.” He grinned cheekily and shoved an entire meatball in his mouth. 

_ How did I fall for such a brat? _ Cas bit back his smile, knowing exactly why he fell for Dean and why he still loved him.  _ It’s that damn smile... It could thaw Antarctica all on its own.  _ “Fine then,  _ warrior. _ Don’t eat the salad, but you  _ will _ drink that shake later.”

A smirk spread across Dean’s face. “You gonna pin me down and make me? Cause if so... I’ll make love to this salad right here.”

“Yes,” Castiel stated bluntly. “I’ll pin you down and make you swallow every single drop.”  _ Why did I just say that? _ He sat up straighter, nearly apologizing for being so crude, but ultimately deciding to leave it alone.

Dean dropped his fork, his jaw slack and face flushing. “Fuck,” he whispered, squirming in his seat. “I think that’s the first time in my life healthy shit has given me a boner.”

Cas laughed out loud, unable to help himself. “If that is what it takes to keep you healthy then I’ll do what I have to do.”

“Then do it,” Dean challenged, pushing the bowl toward Cas. “Make me.”

He wanted to, more than anything, and there was a split second where he almost did. He clenched his fork, letting the pain from the utensil digging into his skin wake him up. “Dammit, Dean.” Cas stood and rushed into the room, ignoring whatever Dean called behind him  _ and _ the throbbing erection tenting his pants. Denying Dean was getting much harder by the day, and he didn’t think he’d last long.

~~~~

The following morning, Cas woke up to those damned spaghetti moans and he couldn’t help himself from listening for as long as he dared. Dean was rutting against the mattress like he was dreaming he was being fucked against it, and Cas’ dick was fully on board in seconds.  _ What is he dreaming about? No…. who is he dreaming about? This is obviously a sex dream. Is it with me? Does he dream of me often?  _

When he finally couldn’t take it anymore, he sat up, hoping the movement would wake Dean and he wouldn’t have to awkwardly tell him he is dreaming of intercourse.  _ My poor baby is so horny. I could just… help him… No… I can’t. Helping Dean once would just open a door that shouldn’t be opened… not yet.  _ Cas couldn’t bring himself to move, he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing, but fighting the urge to reach out was a full time job and he wasn’t going to make it, especially when Dean moaned his name.  _ What did I do to deserve this torture? He’s so fucking beautiful it hurts. _

He felt the moment Dean woke up, and when he rolled over, Cas had to speak up. He cleared his throat awkwardly and kept his eyes on the bedding around Dean’s hips. “Dean... you’re, um... dreaming.”

“Yeah, not anymore. Woke up just before the money shot.” Dean stroked himself over his boxers a couple of times and reluctantly let go, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry about that, I’ll uh… go shower or something.” He gripped himself again, this time just squeezing. “Fuck, that kinda hurts.”

“Are you okay?” Cas shifted slightly and bunched the covers up over his own crotch.

He nodded, getting up and bending over, giving Cas a perfect view of his ass. “I’ve been better, but… I respect the rules, Cas. You said no sex, and I get it. Though, you should know… that dream I had? Was about you. They’re  _ always  _ about you.” 

Once again speechless, Cas started in awe at the most beautiful man ever created.  _ Always about me. And mine are always about you too, sweetheart.  _

When Dean left for work that day, Cas jacked off for the first time since he arrived. He’d wanted to multiple times, and if he neglected his cock one more time he was afraid it would fall off. He needed this… needed Dean. 

He felt guilty, even though he shouldn’t have. This was their home, he should be allowed to jack off in their bed all he wanted... but he still felt it. Denying Dean was hard for him, but he knew it was even harder on Dean. Someone that beautiful should never be rejected, it felt like a crime against humanity.  _ At the very least, a crime for my cock.  _

It didn’t take much to get him off and he walked out of their bedroom feeling like he had a much clearer head. It lasted all day while he cleaned, all the way until the moment Dean walked inside, looking deliciously filthy. 

Cas was in the kitchen rooting around, and when Dean walked up right behind him, he nearly gasped out loud. “Hey, why don't we just order pizza tonight? I can tell you cleaned today, you sure as hell shouldn’t have to cook, too. I’d do it, but I need another damn bath.”

Cas’ eyes traveled up his frame with his jaw slack before he cleared his throat. “Um, yes... pizza. Meat lovers?”

“Is there any other kind? Gotta get some meat in my mouth  _ somehow,  _ huh?” Dean smirked and then bit his lip, turning to head to the bathroom, and Cas used that time to catch his breath and order their pizza. 

Dean showered quickly, walking out of the bathroom with a semi and Cas once again cursed the gods.  _ Naked… wet… gorgeous… every single fucking line, every single freckle. Why did he even shower in the damn guest bathroom? To torture me more?  _

“Sorry, Cas. Forgot I used the last of the towels this morning, guess I gotta do laundry.”

“I... I, um... uh...” Cas looked down at the floor quickly, feeling his resolve slipping more and more by the second. “I did some laundry, it’s in the dryer.”

Dean grinned cheekily, tilting his head to the side. “Y’know what else I forgot? You owe me… oh, what is it now? Somewhere between five and seven kisses, depending on if we’re counting today’s or not? I want ‘em… right now.” 

“Dean.” Cas put a hand over his eyes and covered the pained expression on his face. “Okay, get dressed.”

Shaking his head, Dean made his way over and straddled Cas’ lap. “Nope, I think you made me wait long enough, don’t you?”

Cas gasped and his hands naturally went to Dean’s hips, like they had so many times before. “Dean...” he whispered, finally meeting his eyes.

“Let’s see… one.” Dean leaned in, barely brushing their lips together. “Two.” He kissed him a little harder, lifting his ass slightly off his lap. “Three.” Dean cocked his head to the right and dove back in, carding his fingers in Cas’ hair. He was fully hard by that point, his erection pressing against Cas’ stomach, his breathing a little ragged and he groaned, grinding down in Cas’ lap and just barely nipping his bottom lip. “And this last one, I’m taking with interest.” He tugged on Cas’ hair and licked into his mouth, whimpering when their tongues touched. 

Unable to stop himself, Cas kissed back, moaning desperately into his mouth as he gripped his ass and rutted up. It had been so long since he had been kissed this way.  _ I could never kiss Ap-  _

The thought of her name was enough to snap him out of it and he hastily moved Dean off his lap, making a break for the back door. 

_ How did I ever find the strength to walk away? How did I ever think  _ **_she_ ** _ could make me feel even halfway as good as this? I was fooling myself. Nothing and no one will ever compare to Dean. If this doesn’t work, I will not go back to her. I can’t. I can’t leave all this color and live a dull gray life with a woman who deserves more than that. If this doesn’t work… no, this  _ **_has_ ** _ to work.  _

~~~~

When Cas decided to move back in, he knew there would be a lot of fights - or at least he hoped there would be. Fights meant communicating, even if it wasn’t the healthiest method, and when one particular eye-opening fight led Dean to cry in his arms, he felt his heart shatter in his chest and he wished he could take away all of Dean’s pain. Realizing he hadn’t been giving this a fair chance was upsetting. He couldn’t even say  _ why _ he was nervous to go on a date with Dean, but he tried to deny him all the same. Dean deserved a real effort just as much as he did, and for all his complaining of Dean being a wall, he was no better.  _ We will do better. We will  _ **_be_ ** _ better.  _

Starting the next morning with another argument was decidedly  _ not _ on the day-date to do list, but the fact that they were able to talk it out was a very good sign. Dean was the perfect gentleman and even drove like an adult the entire time but when he pulled into Cain’s Bee Farm, Cas’ eyes widened in excitement.  _ Bees?! He brought me to see bees even though he hates things that fly and buzz? Gods, he must love me. _

As he parked the car, he looked over at Cas with a grin. “You still like bees, right?”

“Dean! Yes.” He climbed out and waved for Dean to hurry. “Can we bring home some honey?” 

“Course, Cas. God, I can’t wait to see you in this damn bee suit.” He followed quickly, introducing them to Cain when they found him inside. Cas could hear Dean laughing when he immediately launched into a thousand questions, but Cain just chuckled, holding up a hand. 

“It’s nice to meet you both. Dean has told me how… enthusiastic you are. Come on, let’s get you suited up and I’ll show you around.”

Dean tagged along, watching Cas with a face so bright he could light up the sun.  _ He absolutely loves me as much as I love him. Why didn’t it feel like enough? Of course it is enough.  _

After a bit, Cas was holding bees in his hand with a huge grin. “Dean, look! They accept me.”

Dean smiled widely. “Course they do, Cas. How could they not?”

Cain’s description of the top bar hives even got Dean’s attention, and Cas wished he could sit here for hours talking about bees with Cain, but their time was almost up. “It’s the oldest hive design known to man. Best to stick to the tried and true, if you ask me.”

“I agree.” Cas stated and admired the hive.  _ The route of flowers. It’s all right there, there’s nothing to add.  _

When they reached Baby, Cas pulled Dean in for a passionate kiss without warning. He couldn’t handle even one second more apart from Dean’s gorgeous lips. Dean returned it for all he was worth and broke it before things got out of hand. “Are… shit. Are you hungry now, or can we move to part two of this date?” 

“I have some ideas with this honey that are clouding my judgement. Let’s do part two.” Cas pulled him in for one more chaste kiss. “Thank you, Dean. I enjoyed that very much.”

Dean’s blush was beautiful and he cleared his throat, nodding like a bobble head. “Then just keep those ideas in your mind for after I fix this, okay? I don’t even need to know details to know that I’m a hundred percent on board with whatever it is.”

They got back into the car and Dean drove to the planetarium where they were doing a show called ‘Steller Swarms.’ Cas didn’t miss the bee pun. It was so classic Dean he couldn’t help but grin and feel butterflies in his stomach - or maybe they were bees. “So, I was thinking after this, we could go to this little diner that opened up across down. You’ll never believe this, but... they specialize in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

Cas laughed harder than he had in a very long time. “That sounds amazing.”

When some stars exploded above their heads Cas grabbed onto Dean’s hand, feeling lighter that he had in ages. 

The pb&j’s were tasty, but Cas knew there was no way Dean would get full off this. He’d definitely be cooking something for him before bed. He didn’t want their perfect date to end, but Cas also felt there were some things they should discuss while they were still in high spirits. “Thank you so much for today, Dean. I loved every minute. Let’s find somewhere to park, I’d like to have another discussion before we make out like teenagers.”

Dean seemed slightly nervous about that but he nodded and paid for their dinner. Cas smiled when he pulled into a familiar field they used to drive to so they could see the stars, and when he turned to face him, he still looked nervous. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

_ Don’t be nervous sweetheart, this is a good thing.  _ “I think we should stop with the one kiss a day thing. I think if we’re giving this a real shot, we should act as though we were just starting out. So yes, maybe not sex yet, but... I miss holding your hand and kissing you when I want, and if I’m reading things correctly, I think you do, too?”

He nodded quickly, reaching over to take Cas’ hand. “I absolutely do. Couldn’t agree with you more, angel.”

_ Angel… I’m still  _ **_his_ ** _ angel.  _ Cas smiled and kissed Dean’s hand, opening his arms welcomingly. “Come on my lap, I... have to kiss you after this spectacular date.”

Dean maneuvered himself so he was straddling Cas’ lap and brought his hands up to Cas’ jaw. “Just tell me if I get carried away, okay?” He waited for the nod and leaned down, kissing him softly. 

They started slow, both still unsure of how this would go, but within seconds it was as easy as breathing. They kissed like they belonged together, and nothing would ever convince Cas otherwise.

They were both hard in seconds and when Dean ground down onto his crotch and licked into his mouth, Cas couldn't take it anymore. He spread Dean’s cheeks and rutted up with a groan. “Sweetheart...” Cas pulled away. “Unbutton your pants.”

Cas was nearly bursting with anticipation as Dean fumbled with his jeans. When the button finally released and he unzipped, he released a sinful growl and shook his head. “No... off... All the way off.”

Dean flipped off him and jerked at the fabric until the jeans were finally sliding off his body, his boxers close behind. Cas shoved his own pants down to his knees and waved impatiently at Dean. “Come here, sweetheart. Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”  _ I’ve never seen anything like it, and I can’t keep my hands off you for one more moment.  _

The praise alone had Dean squirming. He scrambled back onto his lap, bringing their lips together with a whimper as he slid his hand down to join their cocks. “Me? Cas, you’re a fucking work of art.”

Cas chuckled and reached between them. “Let me.” He moved Dean’s hand and wrapped his around them. “Kiss me. Touch me.”  _ Please, I’ll die if you don’t. It’s been too long…  _

“Fuck, thank you.” He kissed Cas deeply, running his hands down Cas’ body and back up under his shirt to reach bare skin. 

Cas gripped his hip with one hand and sped up his other. Every movement had him gasping, lust and need pulsing through his body, surrounded completely by his husband.  _ Fuck, I finally get him like this and I’m barely managing to hold back…  _ “Dean... I’m close. Your cock feels so good with mine.”

“Shit, can I come? Please, Cas...” Dean shivered, leaning in to suck on Cas’ neck as he thrust into his hand, barely holding back his orgasm.

_ How is he still so good for me even after all this time?  _ “Come for me, sweetheart...  _ Dean!”  _ Cas groaned and moved slightly,  _ needing  _ to watch them come together. 

Dean grunted with the force of his release as they emptied simultaneously, spurting come all over Cas’ hand and shirt as his body trembled and he let out a needy, whimpering moan. 

Cas tossed his head back and huffed a deep laugh. “You’re amazing. I... missed that... so much.” He lifted his head and leaned in for a kiss, which Dean met eagerly.  _ It’s already not enough. It’ll never be enough… I need all of you, Dean.  _

He wasn’t stupid enough to say that out loud and risk ruining their progress. Instead, Cas gasped quietly as Dean peppered kisses along his jaw and buried his face in his neck, exhaling hard. “Think we came like teenagers, too.”

“Yeah, definitely did. I’m so sticky.” Cas lifted up his hand and licked it, shuddering at the taste.  _ I’ve missed this, too. It’s unfair how good he tastes… how good we taste together.  _

Dean’s spent cock twitched and he punched out a choked off moan, his eyes fluttering closed. “Jesus Christ, Castiel. C’mon, let’s go home and get cleaned up. Can uh… can I cuddle with you tonight?”

“Yes, of course. I’d really like that, Dean.”  _ More than I can possibly tell you.  _ He felt bad about making such a mess of Dean, so Cas cleaned him with his shirt and shrugged. “I’m already dirty.”

Reluctantly, Dean slid off Cas’ lap and stared at his clothes on the floor, then clicked his tongue and apparently decided just to drive home naked. “Shit, I don’t know about you… but I feel about eighty pounds lighter right now.”

“I feel better, too. The sexual tension between us has never suffered.” Cas reached over with his clean hand to interlock their fingers, relaxing at how utterly natural it felt. 

Dean got on the road headed home and licked his lips. “Yeah, maybe now that we’ve taken the edge off for a bit, we can work on the rest of it with clear heads? I don’t know about you, but my dick was doing most of the thinking for a while there.”

He chuckled. “I do know the feeling. But... I don’t regret it. It was a very successful date.”

“Course it was. Y’know, if I’m being honest, I’ve had that one planned pretty much since you left. It was my ‘if I ever get another shot at this’ date.” Dean smiled sheepishly at Cas as he drove, thankfully not far from home. 

_ That long? And you never reached out? I should’ve never left... _ _ this was my fault. You were there all along.  _ “I’m sorry I left. I should have fought harder... and now...” He sighed and turned his head toward the window, unsure of how to word what he needed to say without accidentally absolving Dean of the role he played.  _ He could’ve done better, too.  _

Suddenly looking worried, Dean flicked his eyes toward him. “Now  _ what, _ Cas?”

He didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say, so he stared out the window like a damn statue until they were parking in the driveway.  _ Just speak. Speak before you lose him all over again.  _ “I fear I ruined any chance to have what we had before.”

“You’re right.  _ We  _ ruined that, but isn’t that a good thing? You’ve been beating it into my brain that what we had last time was shit. This is our shot to do better, y’know?” 

Cas looked over at him. “It wasn’t shit, Dean. It was... better than the movies, and then one day we woke up and it was gone... we lost it, and I don’t want that to happen again. I...” Cas sat up and handed him his jeans, terribly afraid that anything else he might say would make things worse. “Let’s go get cleaned up and comfortable.”

The words might have been intended to be comforting, but Dean looked like he was anything but. He nodded slowly, turning off the car and getting out with his pants covering his crotch. 

They made their way silently inside and Dean turned to him awkwardly, jerking his head toward the bathroom door. “Wanna shower together, or do you wanna go first? You got it worse than I did.”

“No, you first. I kinda miss the stickiness in a weird way.” Cas walked over to wash his hands, a plan starting to form in his mind. “I’ll shower after.”

He nodded and dropped his clothes, turning to give Cas a good view of his naked ass as he headed for the bathroom. Cas watched with his heart in his throat and his dick somewhere in that bathroom with him, then set about making Dean a burger.  _ He settled for pb&j for me… the least I can do is feed him properly. Maybe that’ll make up for me being a hypocrite and telling him he needs to use his words when I can’t seem to do that myself. On second thought… better make two.  _

~~~~

After that, things got steadily better. Cas was done trying to keep his hands off of Dean, and when Dean came with Cas’ cock buried in his throat, Cas could’ve died happily. Dean was still so good it was almost cruel. 

They’d had an amazing breakfast, and they ended up napping on the couch together after, all tangled limbs and soft kisses until they finally drifted off. Most of the day was wasted that way, but Cas didn’t see it as a waste at all. He’d have stayed there for the rest of his life if reality would allow such a thing, but sadly, it didn’t. 

When Dean’s stomach began growling around dinner time, they agreed to order Chinese food instead of cooking. It probably wasn’t as good as whatever Cas would’ve made, but it was easy and filling, and they ended up right back on the couch with Cas laying with his head in Dean’s lap as they watched a movie.

He barely paid attention to it. He was occupied with Dean running his fingers through his hair, and nothing coming out of that television could be more important than his husband. 

Cas hummed and nuzzled even closer. “There’s those hands... feels good, Dean.”  _ I don’t know how I ever survived without them.  _

“Bet my rough hands feel a lot better than April’s soft ones, huh?” He grinned, tracing the callused pad of his palm down the line of stubble on Cas’ cheek. 

Immediately, his mood tanked. He tensed and pulled away as the renewed thoughts of her dragged him right out of the moment. “I wish you’d stop bringing her up, Dean. Do you really want to know what her hands were like? Do you really want to know what  _ she _ is like?”

_ _ “Yeah, Cas. I do. I wanna know about the girl that  _ almost  _ took you away from me.” 

Clenching his jaw, Cas decided to give Dean what he was asking for. “Fine. She is a psychologist that works at my precinct, specializing in both communication and trauma. She listened to me... really listened to me, and helped tremendously after I was sure I’d never love again. Her hands were small and soft and could hardly fit around my girth, but that didn't stop her from trying. The point was... she tried and she communicated. She was what I needed to heal, and she is the reason I am here because even she knows I still love  _ you!” _ His phone rang suddenly and Cas flinched at the noise.  _ Seriously, April? Right now, of all times? _ “Speaking of  _ soft hands, _ excuse me.” He turned away and walked inside the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“April, this isn’t a good time,” Cas snapped quietly, pacing the floor. “I’m with Dean, are you okay?”  _ At this rate, someone better be dying.  _

“I’m sorry, Castiel. I know I said I wouldn’t call, but I’ve been worried about you. You know I worry. Can we just… can you just talk to me?”

_ No, I’d rather be talking to Dean, doing what I came here to do.  _ Cas truly didn’t want to hurt her, and it was only the regret for the way he’d left things with her that made him sit down on the edge of the bed. “Of course. I’m sorry, April. How are things?”

“It’s a little lonely at the precinct without you,” she admitted. “But everyone is fine. We’re all thinking about you.”

_ Pitying me is probably more accurate.  _ He stayed silent for a moment, and then said, “I’m okay. Things with Dean are slowly getting better. I think I made the right decision by coming here, and I’m sorry I snapped at you. Things with us were a little tense when you called, it was just bad timing.” 

“Oh,” she said, her voice small. “I’m really happy for you, Castiel. Truly.”

Cas softened a little and smiled slightly. “Thank you, April. I can’t say for sure that things will ever be great between us again, but I’m hopeful that with time and a little bit of continued effort, we’ll make things work. I do know that unequivocally, I’m not ready to get divorced.”

“That’s a good start. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of will.” She sounded farther away now, like she was holding the mouthpiece away from her. “I shouldn’t have interrupted you. I’m sorry.”

The unmistakable sound of tears came through the line, and suddenly, the decline in volume made sense.  _ She didn’t want me to hear this. She’s crying because of me… how many people will I hurt?  _ “I’m so sorry,” he offered uselessly. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she said quickly, breathlessly. “It’s not your fault. I won’t bother you again, Castiel. Goodbye.” She hung up, and Cas closed his eyes and slowly dropped his hand. 

He laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling as the thoughts in his head became jumbled.  _ I’m a cop. I’m supposed to always do the right thing… but is there even a right thing to do anymore? Right for who? Dean? April? Me? Someone loses, no matter what. I should’ve been strong enough to remain alone until our divorce was finalized. I should’ve never dragged her into this… and now, I’m dragging Dean back in again, too.  _

Cas couldn’t bring himself to go back out into the living room. He hoped that Dean would eventually come to bed on his own and Cas could hold him, kiss his head and rub his back and whisper all the things he held close to his heart… but he didn’t. Cas slept alone, and when he woke the next morning, Dean’s side of the bed was still empty. 

He hadn’t come. 

~~~~

The communication games Cas had suggested honestly helped more than he’d thought they would. While doing them, he could feel when Dean would start to pull away... and being able to feel that helped him to know when to stop pushing so hard.  _ This isn’t a sprint, we’ll get there.  _

Sparring with Dean was every bit as hot as he remembered it being, and like old times, it ended with living room frottage. He didn’t know how he survived all this time without Dean’s cock pressed against his. Nothing would ever compare. 

The next morning, Dean challenged that thought with his sinful mouth - the only thing that could ever rival his gorgeous cock. The only thing that could ever compete with Dean, was Dean himself. No one else was even in the same field. 

When Dean was in the shower after, all Cas could do was picture water cascading down his gorgeous body and he had to join him. He brushed his teeth and then slid inside the shower with Dean. “Hi.”

He was already all soaped up, so he swiped some suds off his shoulder and rubbed them on Cas’ chest with a grin. “Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

“No. You always look amazing wet.” Cas pulled him in and kissed him under the warm water.

Dean growled quietly against his lips and gripped Cas’ ass, pulling him closer, and smiled as he broke the kiss. “Yeah. Pretty sure the spark is still there, I felt that shit to my toes.”

“Me too,” Cas admitted with a small smile. “I feel it, Dean.” He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes.  _ Me too. It’s more than a spark. _

That spark turned into more of a wildfire when they went out to breakfast before their date. Cas teased Dean with a sausage link, and by the time they were leaving the diner, he was so hard he could barely think. But they had plans, and Cas reluctantly kept his hands to himself as they drove over to an arcade they’d frequented before things got so bad.

Dean had chosen his usual games, and when they decided to play Air Hockey, Dean agreed to a foolish bet. The loser would cock warm for the winner, and Cas nearly laughed at the thought of the game ending with Dean on top.  _ Even if I play poorly, he’d let me win. He enjoys being on his knees too much.  _ Cas nearly lost himself in the memories of how good Dean truly was, but he had ended up winning. 

They’d barely made it through the door before Cas was ordering him to change into his favorite jockstrap and drop to his knees. This time, the cock warming was just as much of a torture for Cas as it was Dean, particularly when the dinner they’d ordered arrived and Dean barely flinched.  _ God, I’ve never seen anyone more perfect.  _ The delivery man had tried to sneak a peek at Dean, but Cas had blocked his view. There wasn’t a chance in Hell he’d be sharing Dean with anyone, ever again. Not if he had anything to say about it.

He closed the door a moment later and walked back over, putting the bag on the counter and then finally stripped naked. “You can watch me, sweetheart.”

And he did, letting his eyes devour every inch of his husband. “Thank you, Officer.”

Cas smiled at the name as butterflies filled his stomach, then slid down his briefs. “I fucking love you in those, Dean.” He pointed at the jockstrap. “You should see how perfect your ass is.”  _ So perfect I think I’m finally done resisting.  _

Dean held steady and repeated, “Thank you, Officer,” and held his mouth open again, gripping his wrist behind his back. 

“Do you ever miss my handcuffs?” Cas slid his length back inside with a shudder that rocked him to his core.  _ Only one place I’d rather be… and if this goes well, I’ll be there soon.  _ Dean’s hips canted forward and he grunted, nodding slightly as Cas stretched his mouth open again. “Maybe I’ll bring them out later.” Dean wasn’t just cockwarming now, he was letting Cas take what he wanted and with each passing second, he wanted more. It wasn’t long before he was fucking into Dean’s throat.

Dean’s cock was leaking and he was moaning louder and thrusting into the air each time Cas’ length slipped past the back of his mouth. Cas pulled out and took a step back, his eyes devouring Dean’s state. “Look at how fucked out you are. Want some release, sweetheart?”

“C’mon, Ca - Officer,” he corrected himself quickly. “Please, fuck, I want you so goddamn bad. Please.” Dean swallowed thickly and licked his lips, scooting forward on his knees to close the distance again. “Need - need you inside of me, wanna feel you again.” 

Cas stared into his eyes and nodded.  _ I’m not strong enough to say no to that. No one is. I can’t hold out anymore. _ “Stand up, bend over the counter and stay still.” He turned and went into the bedroom, quickly searching for the lube.

When he came back out, he found Dean leaning over the counter and spreading his legs, offering himself up. 

Dean must not have heard Cas return, so when he gripped those gorgeous hips, he flinched. “Eager for me?” Cas asked, nipping his shoulder blade and slapping his ass softly.

“Fuck, angel. You have no damn idea.” Dean put his hands behind his back just in case Cas brought those cuffs and spread his legs further. “Need your cock so damn bad.” 

_ I knew I was forgetting something. It’s not my fault, Dean… I was too eager to get back to you. I’m sorry.  _ Cas huffed a deep laugh and opened the lube cap with a pop. “Are you clean?”

For the first time, Dean recoiled a little bit. “I haven’t been with anyone but you. Are uh… are you?” 

“Yes, I am. I don’t want to use a condom with my husband, tell me that’s okay.” Cas pressed the pad of his finger to Dean’s tight hole and bit his lip at everything it offered him. 

“Please don’t, fuck condoms.” Dean wiggled back, trying to get Cas to slip his finger in.

Cas gripped the strap of Dean’s underwear and pushed his finger inside of him. “Good. I want to fill you up, Dean. It’s been so long.” He slid his finger in and out slowly, and Dean dropped his head to the cool countertop. 

Dean brought his arms up to rest above his head and squirmed backward, letting out a soft grunt. “Too long, Cas. Way too damn long.”

“But you still open so good for me. I can’t wait to bury my cock inside of you.” Cas nudged in another finger impatiently, and Dean hissed as he rocked back to take them deeper. It already felt better than anything he’d had with April or himself, and he wasn’t even the one receiving pleasure yet.

_ “Cas…  _ c’mon, gimme another one.”

Cas slapped his ass, pulled him by the strap and shoved in deeper. “Stay still, Dean.” He continued his agonizingly slow pace, and Dean clenched his jaw. 

Dean exhaled hard and stilled his hips, moaning into the crook of his arm. “Yes, Officer.”

Once Dean was finally open to Cas’ liking, he pulled his fingers out and opened the lube again. “You get to pick where. Where do you want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Here? The couch? The bedroom?” He leaned forward and kissed the back of his neck, his hard cock pressing between his cheeks.

“Bed, please.” Dean waited until Cas moved back and then stood, rubbing a sore spot on his hip from where he’d been pressed against the counter. He made his way to their room with lube dripping down the inside of his thighs and stopped near the bed with his head bowed, hands once more behind his back, awaiting orders. 

For a moment, Cas wasn’t sure if he could speak. Dean was a gift Cas didn’t feel worthy of, but he’d toyed with him too much to deny him now. “Lay on your back, Dean. I want to see your beautiful face.” 

He laid as told, and Cas climbed on the bed to hover over him, sliding the jockstrap off him. He wrapped his lubed hand around Dean’s cock and stroked slowly, drawing a whine from Dean’s chest. 

Once again spreading his legs, Dean clenched his fists above his head. “Can I touch you, Officer?”

_ If you don’t, I might not survive.  _ “Yes.” Cas leaned down and kissed him as he lined up his cock and rutted against his hole, overwhelmed already at just that small amount of contact.

He reached up instantly, fisting both hands in Cas’ hair as he met the kiss. Cas finally breached the tight ring of muscles and sunk inside of him, groaning into Dean’s mouth. 

Dean’s breath hitched and he wrapped his legs tight around Cas’ ass, pulling him in as he gasped. One hand raked down Cas’ back while the other tugged his hair, desperate to feel every inch of him.  _ I’m here, sweetheart… right here.  _

Once Cas was finally bottomed out, all movement but their mouths ceased as they laid together, kissing like it was the last thing they’d ever do.  _ If this was the last thing I ever did, I would die content.  _

Dean held Cas close until he adjusted to the stretch, then broke the kiss and slammed his eyes shut. “Fuck me, Cas. Move, please!”

_ As if I could ever say no to that.  _ Cas nipped his bottom lip and obliged, fucking him slow and deep as he stared into his eyes more intensely than when they played that creepy game. Dean arched with every thrust, digging his nails into Cas’ powerful back as he craned his neck to bite Cas’, sucking gently, but desperately. It felt so good to be inside of him again that he nearly lost it.  _ I’ve missed you so much.  _

Cas moved his mouth down to Dean’s neck, sucking a dark mark for the first time in nearly a year. He bit down as he sped up, angling himself for Dean’s prostate and when he finally found it, Dean fucking unraveled. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he didn’t bother touching himself, he didn’t need to. He gasped Cas’ name and wrapped both arms around him, hugging him to his chest so tightly Cas could barely move.

After leaning so he could grip Dean’s hips, Cas held him there as he split him open. “Feel so good, Dean. I’m... close... you gonna come for me, baby?”

He tried to answer, but all that came out was a gurgled whine. Cas slammed into that same, intense spot and Dean barely had time to get his hand around his length before he was coming all over his own stomach. 

“Good boy... fuck, you’re so good for me. Tell me to fill you up.” Cas continued fucking him until he was completely boneless, making it hard for Dean to speak. 

“Come in me, Cas. Fill me up, mark me... make me... yours again.”

“Dean... I love you.” Cas slammed inside of him, calling Dean’s name again as he filled up his tight channel. He leaned down and kissed all over his face and neck gently.

It was overwhelming and perfect, and Cas pretended not to notice when twin tears raced down the sides of Dean’s face and hit the pillow. “I love you, Cas.”

_ Don’t neglect him. Never again.  _ Cas sat back and wiped his face gently. “You okay?” he whispered, leaning down to kiss him softly again.

“Fuck.” Dean let out a relieved laugh. “I am now, I was startin’ to think the world would end before you’d fuck me.”

“I wasn’t trying to punish you. I...” Cas looked away and sighed. “I explained it so many times I don’t know how else to put it.”

Dean flinched, reaching up to touch Cas’ face. “Yeah, but it’s okay now, right?” 

Cas laid down and buried his face in Dean’s neck, not responding with words.  _ I hope so. God, I hope so. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it if it’s not, but this was too soon… too soon.  _ He couldn’t form the sentences, and when Dean’s ass pushed him out, he finally got up and disappeared into the bathroom. 

He tried to clean up quickly and splash some water on his face to prepare himself for what was to come, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and Dean was dropping, hard. It had taken just about everything Cas had to stop him from leaving, and despite his best efforts to comfort Dean… it didn’t seem like anything was working.  _ One step forward… a hundred steps back.  _ All Cas knew in that moment was that timelines were stupid, rules were meant to be broken… and a Dean Winchester deserved to be worshipped. 

He would just have to be better at it. 


	4. Chapter 4

That conversation they were supposed to have never happened. Two whole days passed with more faux politeness, and on the third day, Cas felt relieved when Dean finally called him over and laid in his lap. He felt they might be able to break down their wall. _Why does this wall build so quickly? Is this just the result of living with a passion others only see in movies? Is this the downfall for residing in an inferno?_ Cas apologized first, because he did nothing to help their situation those few days and he was the one that walked in here demanding Dean to use words. _Words. We still have other communication games we can try._

He was pleased when Dean agreed to sit on the floor back to back and prayed it would go as well as he hoped. After days of sugarcoating, he decided to jump in with both feet. 

“Why do you believe I am the one?”

Dean shifted before speaking. “Cause you make even the shittiest days better. You’re selfless and kind and funny even though you don’t mean to be.” He paused but Cas hoped that Dean not being able to see him actually helped. “You’re commanding and helpful and patient… You’re everything I’m not. I know I took you for granted when I had you… but when you were gone? Bein’ with someone else never even crossed my mind.”

Cas moved slightly, wishing he could hold Dean in his arms. “Thank you. I... know you didn’t want to take me for granted, Dean. I know things changed, but I know you never meant to hurt me... And I never meant to hurt you, but me just leaving? That hurt you. And I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it did. But you were right. I pulled away, I wasn’t givin’ you a damn reason to stay. I don’t even know why you’re still here now. Again…” Dean paused again, still struggling with his words. “I’m not givin’ you much of a reason to stay.”

Cas turned his head but knew he wouldn’t be able to see him unless he moved his entire body. “You are. During this month, you reminded me of all the reasons I love you. Ask me something... anything.”

“Why’d you really come here? Be honest. When I told you I wanted you to move back in, you basically told me to fuck off.”

Cas huffed a small laugh at Dean’s choice of words and then cleared his throat. “I missed you. I went home that night and couldn’t shake the idea of living with you again. I regretted leaving every single day, and knew it was just me running away without truly trying to fix anything, and I knew we deserved more than that. So... I came. Trying to right my wrong.”

“So it wasn’t cause I told you that was the only way I’d sign the papers?” 

“No. That didn’t mean anything. I could easily dispute that in court, sweetheart.” Cas chuckled. “I wanted to try again, and I didn’t do a very good job. I’m sorry.”

He could feel Dean nod and shift slightly before speaking. “Your turn.”

It took him a while to get this question out, he truly was scared of the answer. “Did you ever regret falling for me?”

“Not for a damn minute. The only thing I regretted was waiting until you were bleeding out to tell you.” He laughed quietly, almost bitterly - rephrasing the same question. “How many times did _you_ regret falling for _me?”_

“I never regretted it. I loved you long before you told me you felt the same. I never thought I’d be on your radar, Dean. I was Sir Jorah Mormont level friendzoned.”

“Pffft.” Dean scoffed. “Did you just Thrones me? That also makes me the crazy bitch in this scenario, you know that, right?” 

“Yes, I absolutely know that, and I stand by my statement.” Cas chuckled. “Poor Jorah was very, very friendzoned. But to get back on the subject before we debate Game of Thrones, I loved you a very long time and never once regretted you. I regretted certain ways we handled situations, but never you.” _I hope that makes sense._

“Yeah, we coulda handled a lotta things better. But it’s my turn again, since I basically stole your question last time.” He took a deep breath and tipped his head back against Cas’. “You said a few days ago that you’ve still got a tough decision on your hands. Can I ask between what? I thought I knew, but I’m startin’ to get the feeling that I’m an idiot. I’m actually Jon Snow here, not Dany - I know nothing.”

Cas laughed and dropped his head to his chest. “I think we’re both having a lot of Jon Snow moments, Dean. And I... I would prefer not to say, if that is okay with you. I don’t want to hurt you.” _I hope he doesn’t think this is some comeptition with April. It isn’t, it never was. My decision is risking it all and moving home or solitude._

Dean leaned forward until only the smalls of their backs were touching and all humor drained from his voice. “Yeah, course. You don’t have to answer. But I think that means you gotta ask two.”

“Um... okay.” Cas moved, his body searching for more Dean. “First question, are you still angry with me for leaving?”

He contemplated that for a couple of minutes, and Cas hoped that meant he would be honest with him. “Yeah. I am. But… not as mad as I am at myself for lettin’ you. You mighta left, but I sure as shit didn’t try to stop you.”

“And why didn’t you?” Cas turned his head to the side, once again trying to see Dean, but couldn’t.

“Cause, Cas. Much like Dany never deserved Jorah… I never deserved you. When you decided you had enough, I let you go cause I figured you’d be better off. Just didn’t realize I was too damn selfish to follow through to home plate.” Dean paused, letting Cas process that. “But that still doesn’t count as your second, it was an extension of the first.”

_But I wasn’t better off, Dean. Neither of us were._ “Okay.” Cas exhaled slowly. “Dean... why do you feel you don’t deserve my love?”

There wasn’t a second’s hesitation in his answer. “Cause I never earned it. Or, if I did… I stopped tryin’ to keep it. You said it yourself, April was better.She talked to you, communicated. Probably listened to you talk about the shit you care about with more than a passing interest. She made the effort. And you deserve effort, Cas. You’re the best human being I’ve ever met, and I’m… me. I’m selfish and crass and impatient. I take shit for granted all the damn time. And that included you.”

_Bullshit, April wasn’t better. She was different, but even still, never better. I only want you, assbutt._ “Well, how about you stop feeling that way so someone can love you, Dean. How can you accept love if you don’t accept the fact that you’re _worthy_ of love?”

Dean was quiet for far too long and when he finally spoke, Cas was disappointed. “Can we be done, Cas? Just for now? I need a break.”

“Yes.” Cas stood up and walked toward the room without looking back, so Dean wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes. He used that time to take deep, calming breaths and wash his face, and when he heard Dean speak, he already craved his touch. 

“I’m tired. Nap with me?”

“Okay, Dean.” Cas walked out of the bathroom, still dabbing his face with a towel and climbed into bed. “Can I hold you?”

He followed quickly, nodding and dipping down to kiss the corner of Cas’ mouth gently before settling down next to him. They shifted together until Cas could feel him across almost every inch of his body, and it sent a warmth through his bones. “C’mon, angel. I’d never say no to this.”

_Good. Neither would I._

~~~~

When they woke the next day, both of their bodies radiated with need. They didn’t even speak before their mouths found each other’s and Cas slid his hand down Dean’s torso until he was gripping his gorgeous leaking cock. He needed to sink inside his husband so bad it physically hurt. “Dean… can I fuck you?”

“Please,” Dean whimpered instantly. He rutted into Cas’ hand and held him tighter, kissing him fiercely before finally letting him up to grab the lube.

Cas never once thought Dean would deny him, but he wanted him to know he had some control here. This wasn’t only about what Cas wanted, what Dean wanted mattered, too. 

He took his time opening his husband up, waiting until he was begging for his cock before finally lining up and sinking inside. “Dean...” Cas laid his head between Dean’s shoulder blades, kissing and biting the flushed skin.

Jumbled words spilled from Dean’s mouth but didn’t make any sense. It mattered little, Cas could feel from the way Dean was shaking that he loved it. He moved on his own, thrusting against the mattress and rocking back to fuck himself on Cas’ cock like he couldn’t wait another second to feel it splitting him open. 

“Oh, Dean... you’re so good for me. So fucking good.” Cas kept himself planted, letting Dean fuck himself while he sucked a mark on the back of his neck.

Those powerful hands fisted in the sheets as he moved faster, baring his neck for Cas and moaning his name so quietly it was almost lost to the sound of the fan. That perfect, beautiful, tight ass bounced off Cas’ waist every time Dean took him all the way, and Cas couldn’t hold back anymore.

He gripped Dean’s hips, digging his fingers into his skin as he snapped forward, thrusting into Dean’s prostate. With a grunted whine, Dean came almost immediately, but begged him not to stop. “Please, fuck… make me feel it, Cas. Don’t stop yet.” 

“Okay, sweetheart.” Cas pinned him down, fucking into him so hard the sound of their skin slapping together echoed around the room. “Want me to fill you up, baby? Tell me you want it.”

Dean’s face was buried in the mattress, but it didn’t matter. Dean practically screamed, “Fuck! Yeah, please... fuck, fill me up, Cas. Come in me, fill me -”

“This ass is mine! Fuck, Dean!” Cas slammed inside with a growl, milking his cock inside Dean’s tight ass. He laid his forehead against Dean’s back, panting as he caught his breath. “I love you.”

All Dean gave him in return were the mumbled words and a sleepy thumbs up at an awkward angle, then dropped his head to the mattress and huffed. “Christ.” 

Cas couldn’t help but smile as he reached up to thread their fingers together, kissing along his back softly. “You’re so good for me, Dean. So damn good, sweetheart.”

Dean went a little boneless and made a sound close to a choked-off sob, then carefully rolled over so he could look at him. “You don’t regret me this time?” 

“I never do. Never, Dean. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.” Cas kissed him, hoping he could show Dean he meant what he said.

They lost themselves in that kiss, and this time… Dean didn’t shut him out or pull away. He stayed so close to Cas that it was hard to tell where one of their bodies ended and the other began, and that was something that hadn’t happened in years. They were one. 

~~~~

On their last day together, Cas didn’t realize what day it was until he filled up Dean’s perfect ass. It hit him seconds after his orgasm when he met Dean’s eyes and he whispered, “Please don’t forget I love you.” 

“I could never.” Cas wrapped his arms around him and released a shaky breath, unable to fight the tears any longer. “I love you too, Dean.” He sniffled, but didn’t let Dean move out of his grip to see his face.

Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck and planted a kiss there, sliding both of his arms underneath Cas so he was suctioned to him like a damn starfish. He loosen his grip after Cas had calmed down, but Dean stayed where he was.

Eventually though, nature won out. Once they were cleaned up, they met in the kitchen. “Folgers got it wrong, coffee’s the _second_ best part of wakin’ up.”

Cas’ smile was small, but he tried. “I agree. Are you sore?” He walked over and rubbed Dean’s ass softly.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “But I wanted it that way. Y’know… just… in case.” He turned slightly and kissed Cas quickly, like he hadn’t meant to start that sentence out loud.

Cas kissed back and didn’t comment on the slip, it wouldn’t do them any good and quite frankly, he didn’t want to think about that, or anything else. He just wanted to worship Dean. “Let me take care of you today. Will you take a bath after coffee?”

Dean nodded, a little uncertain. “Yeah, long as you come with me.”

“Yes, of course...” Cas cupped his chin. “Thank you.” He pressed their lips together and then walked over to the couch as Dean fixed his coffee and took a sip. 

Cas could feel Dean watching him while they sat in silence, and when they finished their drinks, Dean cleared his throat and nodded to the bathroom door. “Should I…?”

“Yes, I’ll go get it ready.” Cas kissed his forehead and walked to the oversized bath to start the water, and Dean entered a few seconds later completely naked. 

Cas had put bubbles in the water by that point and looked up at Dean in awe. _There it is folks, the most beautiful man in the world._ “I don’t know how I ever got you, Dean. You’re gorgeous from head to toe.”

He stepped in gingerly, keeping his eyes on the water instead of Cas. “You got me cause you’re everything I coulda ever asked for and then some. And Cas…” Dean sank into the tub slow enough that he barely disturbed the water. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Cas blushed and slid out of his clothes. “Thank you, Dean.” He climbed in and pulled Dean against his chest, determined to feel as much of him as he could.

Dean relaxed against him and closed his eyes, letting his hands drop under the suds to rest on Cas’ thighs. “Want me to cook tonight, or should we go somewhere?”

“Let’s cook and stay home. In our comfiest pajamas.” Cas kissed his head a few times and then laid his head back, each kiss sending a spark down to Cas’ toes… and he wasn’t even the one receiving them. _How does he do this to me?_

Dean nodded a little, relaxing into the water and tracing little shapes over the inside of Cas’ thigh. He turned slightly as he spoke. “Kiss me, angel.” 

Cas hummed and pressed their lips together gently. He pulled away, smiled, and then kissed again, this time with a little more heat as he slid his tongue inside Dean’s mouth. Just Dean’s lips alone were enough to get him going, and he could see Dean’s length peeking out through the bubbles as well. Dean sighed against Cas’ lips and squeezed his thigh, craning his neck to deepen the kiss. 

Their eyes were closed, but Cas slid his hand over to grip the head of Dean’s cock loosely and play with the bubbles around it. Dean’s hand slid up to the back of Cas’ head and he tugged his hair gently, keeping his hips still and only taking what he was offered. 

He broke the kiss but stayed close. “Feels good, angel.”

“You always feel good, sweetheart.” Cas smiled and kissed him again. “Let me suck you off and then we’ll go back to relaxing. Stand up for me, sweetheart.”

Cas noticed Dean was looking around for something to hold onto but there was nothing. “You can hang onto my hair.” He grinned and stroked Dean lazily, removing all the bubbles and then slid him down his throat.

When Dean gripped Cas’ hair and came with a shaky moan, Cas pulled off with a smirk as Dean carefully got to his knees, scooting back in the tub and running his hand over the surface of the water to clear the bubbles. Cas was hard as a rock, and to his surprise, Dean sucked in a breath and dove under, licking a line up his shaft. 

Cas growled above the water and then he bucked up into Dean’s mouth as his hand gripped his hair. _This man is going to kill me… or himself… probably himself but it feels so damn good. Even underwater that mouth is a gift._

He didn’t want Dean drowning, but he had to push the fear aside so he could focus on what Dean was doing for him. It was hard, but when Dean pressed his finger just behind Cas’ balls his fist tightened in his hair as he spilled down his throat and lifted him off. “That was... different. Are you okay?” He touched his face softly.

“Different?” Dean gasped, gripping the side of the tub. “I about friggin drown suckin’ you off and the best you come up with is _different?”_

Cas couldn’t help but chuckle. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Dean. I enjoyed it, but I was still worried about you. That had to be uncomfortable. Thank you.”

Grumbling, Dean turned around and relaxed against Cas again as his breathing started to settle. “I know better than to trust my own judgement when my dick is anywhere near you, but here we are.” He grinned, laughing quietly. “Shit, my nose is burning. Pretty sure I snorted bubblebath.”

Cas reached around and squeezed his nose playfully. “You’re very talented, Dean. You can add that to your resume.” He felt Dean instantly tense, seconds before sitting up fully again and cleaning himself without responding. _Shit, I upset him._ “Did I say something wrong?” Cas asked as he reached out to take over with the washcloth. “It was a joke, I know you’d never leave the garage, and if you did, _that_ wouldn’t be on your resume.”

Dean shook his head with a gallic shrug, and Cas understood that if there _was_ something else behind Dean’s silence, that wasn’t the time to talk about it.

The rest of the day went by faster than should’ve been allowed by nature, and even though they were up late, Cas eventually had to call it a night. 

Dean held out a hand to stop his husband, his face filled with panic. “No, wait. Can we just… can you just sit for a minute?”

“Of course.” Cas sat down on the couch and held out his arms. _As long as you need, sweetheart_. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

“Nah.” Dean climbed onto Cas’ lap and flicked his eyes between those oceans of blue. “Think I’ve said pretty much everything I know how to say, y’know? I just…” He reached up, brushing his thumb gently over the curve of Cas’ jaw and smiled sadly. “Just wanna remember this, y’know? Remember you, everything about you.”

_I have a lot to take care of back in Rogue Hollow, but there is no way I will be able to stay away, it’s impossible._ He only kept those thoughts to himself because they wouldn’t do any good. Dean would ask if he had any doubts and he couldn’t lie to him, he did. Cas didn’t know when the doubts would be gone for good but he also didn’t want to tell Dean that. He didn’t want to hurt him. 

So they sat there in silence, studying every inch of each other's faces and kissing until their lips were chapped. Cas would never get enough of this, enough of Dean. Every inch of them that touched felt alive. Cas could feel Dean’s fear radiating off of him, like he was afraid that if he let go, all would be lost. 

Like _they_ would be lost. 

It wasn’t clear how long Cas allowed Dean to stay in the safety of his arms, but eventually, they were both too exhausted to stay awake. They made their way to the bedroom, exchanging sleepy, loaded kisses until they were collapsing on the bed and doing their best to get so close they were practically one. 

Cas only dozed off for an hour before he woke up. He moved so he could see Dean’s face and watched him sleep for an hour more, counting each freckle like he had done so many times before. _I have to go now, sweetheart. I don’t know when I will be back, that depends on my job... but I_ **_will_ ** _be back. I have to come back… I just need a little more time._

He kissed Dean a few times as he packed his things, and part of him was sad none of those kisses woke him up, but he realized this was for the best. Dean shouldn’t have to watch him walk out again. He shouldn’t have to see Cas with bags in his hands. He needed this sleep, and no matter how hard it hurt, Cas could give that to him.

He couldn’t leave without saying anything at all, but he also didn’t know what to say. In the end, he wrote a note and hoped those three little words would bring Dean comfort in the morning. 

**_I love you._ **

~~~~

Actually leaving turned out to be another thing entirely. He sat in the driveway for what felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than maybe thirty minutes. He agonized over his decision to go without saying more. He gripped the stationary wheel and clenched his jaw, forehead tipped against the cool leather. _I have to. I have to go, I have to set things right in Rogue Hollow. With the force, with April, with the house I foolishly thought could be my home. There’s too much to do, and I’m still… I’m still not sure. Will he try and stop me this time, when he didn’t last time? It’s unfair of me to test him like this, but what choice do I have? I can’t throw everything I’ve built away on a wish. And right now, that’s all my life with Dean is - a wish, a pipe dream. I need to_ **_know_ ** _before I rip myself in half again._

Eventually, he forced his limbs into motion and backed the car out of the driveway. More than once, he nearly turned around, nearly called Dean to try and _make_ him say the words Cas so desperately needed to hear. But he knew he couldn’t, he knew the words, the actions, the _feelings…_ they needed to either come naturally, or not at all. 

So he drove. He drove until the unwelcoming sight of his _other_ house greeted him and made him immediately homesick. _I don’t belong here. I never did. This place holds nothing for me, and it never will._ Much like the discovery he’d made about relationships in general, he knew if things didn’t work out, he’d still be moving. If by some weird twist of fate, he didn’t end up back in the arms of the love of his life, he’d be heading somewhere very far away. _No amount of distance could ever make me forget Dean. But I can’t stay here, surrounded by the walls that witnessed so much of my pain. I can’t stay here, knowing I’d have to face April everyday, having set fire to our relationship using the last embers of my love for Dean._

Cas trudged up his front walkway with his head bowed, but snapped his chin up when he heard someone clear their throat. He blinked, glancing behind him toward the driveway. How he’d missed her car out there was beyond him, but he hadn’t been paying attention to that side of things. Only the cold, dull colors of the house he’d be leaving behind if everything went to plan. “April? What are you doing here?”  
  


She stood quickly and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry, Castiel. I… should’ve called, but I didn’t know what to say. I needed to see you.” 

“How did you even know I’d be back?” he asked her, his brows furrowed. 

“I heard your partner talking to the captain about it. They said you’d be back at work tomorrow, so I figured that meant you were coming home today. Can we go inside?” April wrapped her sweater a little tighter around herself and gestured toward the door. 

As much as he didn’t want to have this conversation yet, he didn’t have a choice. With a nod, he followed her inside and walked over to start some coffee for them. “Is there anything specific you’d like to know about the past month?” He didn’t think that was the best way to start the conversation, but if he was being honest, he didn’t know how to without harshly breaking her heart. _Why did you even fall for me? I was..._ **_am..._ ** _so broken. No,_ **_was..._ ** _this month with Dean has healed us both in ways we didn’t think was possible. I won’t downplay that._

She licked her lip and bit it softly as she sat down at the table. “Did it work?” Her voice was small, like she already knew the answer… she just needed to hear him say it. “Did you two reconcile?” 

"Yes." Cas felt horrible when her face changed, and he knew tears would soon follow. He turned, cursing his coffee pot for being too slow and busied himself with grabbing mugs and creamer. "I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear today, but Dean and I... things are working again."

“Are they, though?” she asked, her voice even quieter now. “Or are you just hoping they are?” 

"No, they are. We had moments where we struggled, but we talked through them and we realized that some days are just bad days. Our marriage shouldn't have to end because we can't figure out how to use our words. Dean has grown so much, April, and with his growth, I learned that I also needed to grow. This separation was as much my fault as his." For the first time, Cas didn't overthink before responding, he let the words flow… and afterward, he felt better.

April fell silent for a moment and then nodded. “What are you going to do, then? I’m still your friend, Castiel. I want to help if I can.” 

His phone rang, startling them both after a minute of silence and when he saw Dean’s number, he nearly didn’t answer. April was practically in tears and he felt horrible, but he didn’t want to ignore his husband. “Dean, this isn’t a good time.” _I’m sorry. Please understand._

“What does that even mean, ‘not a good time’? You leave a note that says ‘I love you’ and then disappear without a word. Look, just tell me you’re comin’ back.”

_I want to tell you, but…_ Cas hesitated, and April took it as an opportunity to speak. “I can go if you need me to.” 

He was annoyed at her for opening her mouth, knowing it would just hurt Dean to hear her, and also annoyed that he had to repeat himself. “As I stated, Dean. This isn’t a good time, I’ll call you later.”

“Cas, wait - is that Ap-” 

He felt even worse after the call, knowing he hurt Dean while in the middle of hurting April. Being surrounded by so much pain was nearly overwhelming. “Sorry for answering, I didn’t mean to be insensitive.” 

She looked at him like she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. “Insensitive? Castiel, everything about this has been insensitive. I know you didn’t mean it to be like that, but…” Tears finally welled in her eyes and spilled over, and she stood up, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have come here.” 

"April." Cas walked over, stopping himself before reaching out. He shouldn't comfort her, that wasn’t his job and it wasn't fair to her, it would never mean what she wanted it to mean. "I know I've said the words so much they've lost their meaning but... I truly am sorry. I should have never let this..." He waved a hand, struggling with his words again. Even what he was about to say was going to be insensitive. "I'm an ass."

“You’re right, you are,” she said, the tears coming more freely now as she stood and shoved him backward. It barely moved him, but her intent was clear, so Cas willingly took a few extra steps back. “You’re an ass, and I’m an idiot. What a pair we would’ve made.” Those last words were laced with bitterness, and she headed off toward the door. _“Insensitive,”_ she mocked. 

"You didn't deserve this. I hope you find the one, April. I'm so sorry it wasn't me." He stopped at the door and didn't follow her out. She had every right to be angry. _I should_ _have never started something I truly didn't want. I was so low I cared more about my loneliness than a human being’s feelings. I deserve more than a shove._

She paused when she got to her car door and turned to look at him. “If you find anything of mine in there… burn it.” She slammed the metal panel hard enough it made his neighbor’s dog start barking, then drove away without another word. 

Briefly, Cas considered calling Dean back and trying to explain, maybe apologize for dismissing him like that - but he wasn’t in the right state of mind to talk to anyone he cared about. After watching her car disappear into the distance, Cas headed straight for the hallway and pulled out the only bottle of whiskey he still had in the house thanks to the alcoholic purge he and April had done. It was hidden in the back of the towel closet like the dirty little secret it was, and Cas had to laugh bitterly at himself. _If I couldn’t even fully give this up, what made me think I could ever give Dean up?_

He broke the seal on the bottle and took a whiff. He hadn’t lied to April; he hadn’t drank at all between the time he promised he wouldn’t and when he’d moved in with Dean, but Cas had always had a bottle handy. 

The first swig was brutal, but necessary. The second went down a little easier, and by the third, he already knew he’d be useless for the rest of the night. 

Cas had to turn off his phone and hide it to refrain from calling Dean. He felt shitty for dismissing him and the last thing that would help the situation was him calling drunk. 

Being the party animal that he was, Cas turned on a prison documentary and drank until he couldn’t stand the taste anymore. _Why do people get face tattoos? There is so much skin on the human body... why the face? Neck tattoos are kind of hot... maybe I should get one._ He laughed out loud at himself and looked to the side to tell Dean what he just thought, but his face dropped when he realized he was alone. 

_Why am I here? Right, because I’m an idiot that left in the first place and now I have to close this chapter of my life. A chapter that never belonged in the book. Where is my phone? I need to call Dean._

He searched for an hour before he realized he was not going to find the damned thing, and even looked around for his phone to call his phone. That was the moment he realized he was probably too drunk and should just go to bed. He’d find it in the morning. 

When he opened his eyes, the well deserved hangover had him praying to the porcelain god and promising he’d never drink alone again. Dean would have never let him get so out of hand. _Dean... I miss him so much already._

His phone wasn’t found until he went to grab the creamer for his coffee and saw it sitting on the tub of butter. “In the damn fridge? What the hell was I thinking?! Oh yeah... I wasn’t.” Sighing, Cas pulled it out and plugged it in, hoping the cold air didn’t break it. _I’m a mess when we’re apart. I should know better by now._

He somehow managed to get himself to work, which felt strange. His partner was happy to see him, but Cas couldn’t actually return the sentiment, because seeing his partner meant he wasn’t anywhere near Dean. The more time he spent in his cruiser, the more time he had to think about his options. He’d been a police officer for eighteen long years. He’d been shot, beaten, ridiculed and generally put his body through hell. He risked his life every single time he stepped out the front door. For all those years, the knowledge that he was helping people had been enough. But now? He had to decide if he was willing to keep putting his life on the line day in and day out for another two years, just long enough to be able to collect the measly pension he’d worked his entire life for. 

For Cas, that now seemed like two years too many. He wanted to be done. He wanted to rest, to do something safe, to not have to worry every day if he was going to make it home to Dean. To not have _Dean_ worry whether or not he was going to make it home. To stop Dean’s dreaded nightmares. 

_Cain._ The thought came to him like it had been the most obvious thing in the world. _I’ll call Cain, see if he needs help on his bee farm. I could be happy there, safe… secure in the knowledge I was still helping the world at large while not fearing for my safety._ A deeply rooted sense of duty was the only thing that stopped him from immediately putting in his notice. _I_ **_have_ ** _to be sure._

What he _did_ do was contact his landlord. While she was surprised that he wanted to leave so soon, she agreed to let him stay as long as he needed to and pay a prorated amount for any days he went over his final rent cycle. _At least one thing is going right. Now I don’t need to worry… though it’s doubtful I’ll get my deposit back now._

~~~~

Before putting in his two weeks, Castiel knew he needed to have a job lined up. He was walking away from a pension by doing this and didn't want to show up with nothing and live off his savings. He saved a lot of money over those few months alone but it wasn't enough to live on and although he knew Dean wouldn't care, he wouldn't show up jobless.

Calling Cain was the first step in this process because if he wasn't looking for help, Cas would have to consider what exactly he wanted to do with his life. It was such a daunting thought that he was actually nervous as the phone rang. _If he says no..._

"Cain's Bee Farm, what's the buzz?"

The greeting alone had Cas smiling from ear to ear and he realized just how badly he wanted to work there. "Hello, is this Cain?"

“I suppose that depends on who’s asking. If you’re looking for a tour, then no. Cain won’t be back for a couple of months. If this is anyone else, yes. Speaking.”

Cas chuckled and shook his head. “No, no tour. Although your last tour was better than any I’ve ever been on. My name is Castiel, you probably don’t remember me, but I visited a little over a month ago and fell in love with your farm. Is it possible you are looking for help?”

“You’re the guy who’s husband brought him here, right?” Cain asked, and when Cas confirmed, he continued. “You seemed to really know your stuff. I thought you were a cop?”

“I was. Or, am? My husband doesn’t like that I’m a cop and quite frankly, neither do I. I’m planning on turning in my notice as soon as I have employment but when I thought about what I want to do... all I can think of is bees.” 

Cain chuckled. “When can you start? I’m overwhelmed as it is and need the help, but it’s hard finding other people that share the passion I do.”

“Yo-” Cas froze, not expecting it to be so easy. “Seriously? I... I have to put in my two weeks, but I can start as soon as that is up.” He was still shocked, and nearly dropped his phone as he pulled up his calendar for them to talk dates. “Thank you, Cain. I... can’t thank you enough.”

“I’ll be the one thanking you, I think. See you soon, Castiel. I’ll have a suit ready for you.” Cain hung up, and Cas couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. 

After that, putting in his notice was as easy as breathing. Now that he knew things were heading in the right direction, he called Dean, and they started speaking every night. Dean didn’t ask if he was coming back, and Cas didn’t say it, but each day… things got a little better. Cas put his larger belongings in storage and started packing, satisfied that somehow, the universe was working in his favor for once in his life. _In a couple of weeks, I’ll be home. And I’m never leaving him again._

~~~~

The night before he was supposed to meet Dean and officially move back home, he barely slept. He was so excited, so hopeful for the future, so eager to get back to his husband and enact his cheesy, poetic plan to burn the papers that he nearly skipped his farewell party and drove overnight to get to Dean. _Just a little longer,_ he swore to himself. 

He packed the rest of his things first thing in the morning, and slid a small bottle of lube into his pocket along with a lighter. He was hopeful that if Dean reacted well, they’d be spending some time in the backseat of Dean’s Impala. 

Cas’ final shift wasn't as bad as he expected, but he got caught up finishing paperwork and then had to attend that party. The second Castiel’s phone died, he began to panic. He was late as it was, and if he missed Dean, all of this could go wrong. He picked that restaurant on purpose, feeling like it was a good place to destroy those damned papers once in for all. Calling Dean there to sign divorce papers was one of Cas’ biggest mistakes, only bested by leaving Dean to begin with. 

They had a ways to go, that much was true, but as long as they stayed by each other’s side, fighting for each other, they would be okay. Everything would be okay. Traffic didn’t help in the slightest and he didn’t even want to take the time to pull over and find his car charger, every second he was late was a second Dean was probably sitting there feeling abandoned. _I’m coming sweetheart. I promise… just wait a little bit longer for me._

When it began to rain, the image of Dean standing in it alone caused an ache in his chest. _Is he cold? Does he think I’m not coming? Gods, please don’t leave, Dean._

The second he parked and jumped out into the pouring rain, he spotted him. _He’s leaving. He doesn’t believe I’m coming. And how can I blame him? I haven’t been the most reliable._ “Dean!” Cas called, hating how the rain drowned out his voice. “Dean!!” he called a little louder. 

He seemed so far into his own mind that he wasn’t listening to anything around him but somehow, Cas’ voice must have registered in his brain just as he reached out a hand to open the Impala and he turned quickly. 

“Cas?!” 

“Dean!” Cas ran up and stopped in front of him. “You’re all wet.” _My poor baby._ He held his hand over Dean’s beautiful face to block the rain from his eyes. “I’m sorry I’m late. I didn’t expect to get held up at the station and my damn phone died. Are you leaving?” _Please don’t go._

His guard was up, rightfully so. “Guess that depends, Cas. You here to tell me you’re comin’ home, or you here to get me to sign those papers?” 

Cas frowned and retracted his hand to reach in his jacket pocket, pulling out the thick folded stack and the sound of rain slapping against the papers echoed around them.

Tears welled in Dean’s eyes and the look of sheer panic overtook his features. “Cas, you can’t… you can’t be serious.”

_Shit._ Cas met his eyes and shook his head. “No, Dean. Wait...” He pulled out his lighter and tried over and over to get a spark. “Goddammit. This was supposed to be poetic.” _Of course this isn’t working! Damn rain!_

Dean’s voice sounded relieved but still confused. “Cas! Water and fire don’t mix, just… what are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Cas slid the lighter in his pocket and began shredding the dreaded papers as fast as he could. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you.” _I should have never filed for these stupid fucking papers._

Dean watched the tattered remains of thier divorce papers fall to the ground in soggy, pathetic heaps, and then launched himself at Cas. “Oh, thank god.” He pulled him in, kissing him messily as if he was trying to get as close as he possibly could. 

Cas kissed back with the same intensity, moving to press Dean against the Impala and kicking his boot to the side to slide his leg between Dean’s. _Fuck! I need him… now._ Cas growled into his mouth so loud it could be heard over the rain and they both realized there was no way they were going to make it home. They needed this like they needed air, and nothing was going to stop them.

Even without the downpour, that measly lighter’s flame would’ve been no match for the inferno between them, and Dean desperately reached for the buttons on Cas’ uniform. “Off. Fuck, I need you.”

“Need you, too. Come here.” Cas took a step back and grabbed Dean’s hand, pulling him toward the alleyway, biting back a laugh. “I just littered those papers, and now I’m going to fuck you against this wall. Guess I’m done being a cop.” 

It was the Policeman’s Ball all over again, but this time they were outside and drenched to the bone. When Dean’s back hit the wall, his hands dipped down to Cas’ pants and he started working on his zipper. “Not done. Just pretend you’re arresting me if anyone comes over.” 

_I’ll absolutely pretend I’m arresting you but I’m also not legally allowed to anymore._ “No... today was my last day. I quit. But I still have my handcuffs.” Cas flipped Dean around and pressed his chest to his back while he reached around to unbuckle Dean’s pants.

“Wait, so… you’ll be safe? You really quit?”

“Yes. Unless the bees try to kill me, but we’ll talk about that later.” _Much later, after I fill up my husband against this dirty wall._ Cas reached into his jacket and pulled out a small bottle of lube, pumping it onto his hand and wasting no time pressing a slick finger against Dean’s perfect hole. “I almost didn’t bring lube, but I was hoping...”

Dean shook his head quickly and spread his legs further, bracing his hands on the wall on either side of his head to rock back on Cas’ finger. “M’all yours, Cas. Fuck, anywhere, you know that.”

“Mmm... mine.” _All mine. Forever._ Cas shoved his finger in more aggressively and bit down on his neck. “I’ve missed you so much. I didn’t even jack off without you.”

Dean barked a breathy laugh that was probably too loud for their surroundings. “Shit, I haven’t either. So damn hard for you right now.” He moaned as Cas opened him up further and reached around with his other hand to stroke Dean’s leaking cock. 

_So… so good for me._ “I might have to make you come before I even fuck you, hm, sweetheart?”

Dean shivered, letting out a needy, desperate moan and dragged his nails down the brick wall as he pushed back, now taking three of Cas’ thick, perfect fingers. “Ahh, shit, yeah! Should I still call you Officer, _Officer?”_

Cas gripped the base of his cock tightly and rutted against him with a grunt. “Yes.” He started stroking again, sucking on the side of Dean’s neck, marking what was his while scissoring his tight hole. 

It was clear quickly that Dean wouldn’t be lasting very long. He kept his palms flat against the wall and rolled his hips, getting louder by the second. “Ah, fuu- can I come, Officer?”

Cas didn’t answer for several seconds as he ran his fingers along Dean’s prostate. “Yes... come, sweetheart.” He bit down on Dean’s shoulder and continued stroking. Cas could tell he teetered on the edge for as long as he could but when he clamped down harder, he instantly painted those bricks white and they watched the evidence wash away in the rain. 

“Good boy.” Cas stroked a couple more times and then pulled out his fingers, hastily lubing up his thick cock and pushing the head inside. “Oh, fuck... Dean.” He pressed inside until he was completely bottomed out and then repositioned his feet to have the best angle. 

Cas sat seated inside of him and gripped Dean’s hands, pinning them behind his back. “You have the right to remain silent...” He clicked the handcuffs closed and would have laughed at the role play attempt if he wasn’t so aroused. _I am not reading him his actual damn rights right now, I need to fuck him._ “But I would prefer if you didn’t.” He pushed Dean over further and started fucking into him while gripping the handcuffs, relishing Dean’s beautiful sounds. 

Cas made sure to constantly hit Dean’s prostate and his work paid off when it had Dean coming a second time before Cas was even close to finishing. He continued fucking into him and Dean moaned so loudly someone walked around the corner to check on them. 

Cas stopped his hips and turned towards the noise of the intruder’s footsteps. “Police business! Walk away, civilian.” It came out as more of an angry growl, because he _was_ angry. _How dare anyone interrupt this moment?!_ His voice was so commanding, whoever it was left much quicker than they came. 

Cas instantly began fucking him relentlessly as he chased his own release, not wanting that damn person to call the _actual_ police, even if he did know everyone on the local force. “You almost got us in trouble.” Cas remembered how much Dean loved his baton last time so he pulled it out and snapped it open loudly for him, placing it between his teeth. “Keep it down, baby. I need to fill this beautiful ass up.”

Dean was a goner. His cock was uselessly trying to harden for a third time, bouncing and smacking against his thigh with each hard, punishing thrust. His lips strained around the baton and he bit down more fiercely to stifle his grunts, but it didn’t do much good. The world started to get a little hazy as Cas split him open over and over again. Dean’s head drooped in a way that told Cas he was a goner and when he splayed his cuffed hands and spread his ass further, Cas joined him. 

“Dean!” Cas called as he slammed inside and emptied with a growl. Pumping a few more times after he moved the nightstick, he laid his head against Dean’s shoulder. “I love you. I always have and I always will.”

“Yeah? That mean you’re c-coming home?”

“Yes, I had a lot to take care of. I’m sorry it took so long, but everything is settled and belongings are in storage.” Cas uncuffed him and started fixing Dean’s pants. “I’d love to come home... if you’ll have me.” _Last chance to bail, sweetheart._

Dean turned quickly and pulled Cas into a kiss, pouring a lifetime’s worth of love and promise into it. “I told you, Castiel. There will never be anyone else for me.” He kissed him again, then hugged him as tightly as he could while the rain continued to fall. “Now come on. Let’s go home… seems like we’ve got a lot to talk about.” 

_Home._ Ups or downs, bad times or good, it didn’t matter. There was nothing scarier to Cas than facing the world without Dean... and now, he didn’t have to. 


	5. One Year Later

“Dean! Why did you choose bowties? I’m not a stripper,” Cas called out, staring at the suits that Dean picked for their ceremony. He chuckled, not at all surprised by his choice, and slid the laptop away as Dean walked out of the bedroom. “You’re lucky I really, _really_ want to marry you all over again.”

“Trust me, angel. You don’t have to tell me how lucky I am.” Dean smiled with his tongue between his teeth and climbed onto Cas’ lap, the chair creaking under them. “We’ll save the actual ties for my wrists. You owe me a good fuck in that bathroom.” 

“You got it, sweetheart.” Cas gripped Dean’s ass and spread him, rutting up against his ass. “I’m so happy we’re here, Dean. You make me so happy.” 

One thing they picked up over the last year was how much more each of them craved words of affirmation, and they both made sure they never missed a day. 

“I am too, Cas,” Dean whispered, grinding down. “Can I have you?”

“Always.” He brought their lips together, licking into Dean’s delicious mouth as he slid his hands inside his pants, pulling apart his cheeks so far it made Dean gasp.

Dean fumbled for the lube that was still sitting on the table from that morning and shimmied off Cas’ lap to ditch his pants. “Bet I’m still kinda open. I can still feel you.”

“Good. I hope you feel me every single day, sweetheart.” Cas grabbed the lube from his hand and slicked a finger, sliding it inside Dean’s welcoming hole. “Mmm... still tight.” 

Grinning at the praise, Dean kissed him with both hands on Cas’ face and slowly rocked down, fucking himself on that finger until Cas offered him a second. Dean really was still open enough from their fun during breakfast, so Cas didn’t go past two. He lifted to pull his sweats down and lube up his cock, waving for Dean to slide on. “Come here, baby. God, you’re absolutely stunning.”

He seated himself a little more carefully than he had that morning, head tipped back and jaw slack as Cas split him open. “Fuck, I love every part of you, Cas,” Dean moaned. 

The second time was always slower. Dean would be sore and extra sensitive, which just meant they weren’t too rushed to truly enjoy each other. Cas ran his fingertips over Dean’s skin as he moved, grinding down and burying Cas deep, right where he belonged. 

He let his long fingers run along every inch, leaning in to kiss Dean every few seconds. He suddenly wished they were on the couch where it was more comfortable, but nothing could interrupt this moment. Dean’s ass clenched around his cock so well he hardly had to move, so Cas kept his thrusts slow and deep, growling as he kissed down that gorgeous neck.

Dean leaned back to brace himself against the table and rocked his hips up, rolling and dropping back down while his cock stood at attention between them. “You gonna touch me, Officer? Or you gonna make me wait?” 

“I was making you wait, but you’re being so good.” He slid up Dean’s thighs and wrapped his left hand around his gorgeous length, stroking slowly and swiping his thumb over the tip. “You feel amazing, Dean.”

Moaning, Dean sped up a little, biting his lip and tightening his grip on the table as he fucked Cas’ fist and rocked back down on his cock. “Fuh… fuck, Cas… I love your fucking hands…” 

“Love your fucking everything, sweetheart.” Cas stared with his mouth slack, admiring his gorgeous husband. 

Those delicious sounds got louder and a moment later, Dean’s movements got jerky and erratic. “Canicome?”

The question came out all in one word, and Cas growled at his desperation.

“Good boy... so fucking good... come for me baby, all over me.” Cas planted his feet, letting Dean spear himself as he chased his release and found it. Dean whispered his name like a prayer and came all over Cas’ stomach, not stopping his movement for a second. 

“GiveittomeCasitsmine,” Dean mumbled, once again all as one word. Cas huffed a breathless laugh and released Dean’s spent cock to grip his hips. He held him still, fucking up into him hard until he was slamming inside to fill him up. 

“You’re so perfect. Come here.” Cas pulled him down, slamming their mouths together in a sloppy kiss. Dean stayed there while he tried uselessly to catch his breath, then eventually pulled back with a laugh. 

“One of these days, I’m gonna suffocate tryna kiss you.” He did it again, then groaned like he was mad at himself for it. “Screw it, I've had a good life. If this is how I go, I win.” 

“I thought you felt that way about bacon. Are you saying you love me more than bacon now?” Cas teased, nipping Dean’s lip playfully.

Clicking his tongue, Dean tilted his head with a fond expression. “Hell, that’s not a small thing... but yeah. I think it’s safe to say I love you more than bacon, unless you’re about to ask me to quit eatin’ bacon.”

“I have a feeling you’d still pick me.” Cas smiled, meaning it with all of his heart. A year ago, he couldn’t say things like that confidently, but now... Dean made sure he felt loved every single day.

Dean’s skin flushed, but he nodded, leaning in to kiss him softly. “I’d pick you over pie, Cas. Bacon, pie, all of it.” He tucked his face against Cas’ neck and breathed in deeply. “Boneless now, though. You might have to carry me.”

Cas chuckled and moved to lift Dean up, happy he’d been working out so much at the farm. “Light as a feather,” he grunted out unconvincingly.

Squirming, Dean got to his feet and grinned cheekily. “Guess I’ve been pickin’ pie a little too often lately, huh?” He smacked Cas’ ass and then turned, dashing off to the bedroom. 

Of course, Cas chased him, wrapping his arms around him and biting the back of his neck once he caught him. “You’re absolutely perfect, Dean. Eat all the pie and bacon you want. You’ll always be perfect.”

“Cuddle with me, damnit.” Dean laughed and tried to squeeze his shoulders together to get Cas to stop, then flopped onto the bed and opened his arms. “Lemme big spoon. Tell me about the bees. How are Leroy and Sebastian?” 

Cas grinned from ear to ear and laid down happily, loving how Dean’s arms felt. “Sebastian is still very ornery, but I think they got over their spat. Cain thinks it’s hilarious that I’m convinced they are a gay couple, but he finally agreed after we noticed they always flew together. Well, except last week. I wonder what Leroy did to piss him off.”

“Probably accused him of inserting himself somewhere he shouldn’t have been,” Dean offered. “Who knows. Can bees even talk to each other?”

“Of course. Maybe not the way you or I do, but they absolutely communicate. One day they bumped into each other when they were fighting, I was tempted to separate them and teach them a communication game.”

Dean’s laughter echoed off the walls and jostled Cas, but it was a beautiful sound. “Sounds like they’ve already got the sparring under control. Speakin’ of that, if my legs ever quit bein’ jelly, we can spar before we go.” 

“I love when you have jelly legs, sweetheart... almost as much as I love being the cause.” Cas chuckled and laced their fingers together. “How’s Jaskier? I think he might have stopped hating me.... maybe.”

“Eh, he’s fine. Ares has his giant ass under control. I actually haven’t talked to him in a couple days, I should probably call him later.” 

“Later. You’re stuck here for now. And Bobby? I know he wasn’t feeling well recently. Have you convinced him to take time off?” Cas knew the answer before Dean spoke, Bobby would never take a vacation.

Dean shook his head. “Nah, but that’s why I’ve been comin’ home late and extra dirty. Tryna pick up the slack a little, y’know? Give the guy a break whether he wants one or not. Now shh, I wanna take a nap in my happy place.” He wrapped his arms a little tighter around Cas and let out a satisfied sigh. “Ahh, there it is.” 

“Sleep well, my love.“ Cas smiled contently as his eyes fluttered closed. _I already miss you._

~~~~

That weekend, Dean was a jittery, adorable ball of nervousness. He pulled Cas to him and kissed him quickly. “You’re really sure you wanna do this? You’re okay with this?” 

“Absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt. Ar- are _you_ okay with this?” Cas touched his cheek gently and kissed him much slower.

When they finally broke apart, Dean nodded. “Hell yeah, been waitin’ for this for years, angel. Just don't wanna pressure you.” 

“I’ve wanted this, too. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Dean. I’m sorry I ever tried to convince you otherwise. I still can’t believe you took me back.” Leaving Dean would always be Cas’ biggest regret, but he’d spend forever making it up.

Dean smiled lightly and held him close. “I deserved it, Cas. You leaving was the best thing that ever happened to us, cause it made me open my damn eyes. As bad as it sucked at the time, we’d have never made it if you hadn’t left.” 

“I know. It’s a painful memory. I never want to be apart from you again now though, so... you’re stuck with me and my talk of bees.” Cas reached around and gripped his ass. “How long has it been? I miss this ass already.”

Swatting his hand, Dean took a step back and smirked. “Like an hour and a half maybe. Hands off, you don’t get me now until you’re fuckin’ me against the wall in the bathroom.” 

Cas growled, stepping in again with an eyebrow raised just as someone knocked. “Go away,” he joked, no bite to his tone.

Jask’s lumbering body came through the door. “You two are lucky this isn’t a real wedding. I’d have separated you already,” he teased. “C’mon, though. D needs to get into his tux.” 

With a pout, Dean turned to Cas and gripped his shirt, pulling him in to kiss him again. “You better say some incredibly cheesy shit out there, Cas. If J isn’t throwing up all over the floor by the end of it, we’re not doing our jobs.” 

“Anything can make that marshmallow puke,” Cas shot back, happy that he and Jask were at a place where they could banter. “When’s your wedding, Jaskier? I’m sure Ares would love to marry you.” _He told me._

Grimacing, Jask pulled a small box out of his pocket. “I’ve been carrying this fucking thing with me everywhere for six months. I can’t find the fucking words, and I’m terrified he’s gonna say no. Haven’t asked yet.” He handed the box over to Dean, who opened it and gallic shrugged, impressed. 

“Not bad, J. What makes you think he’s gonna say no? He’s crazy about you.”

Jask made a face. “Yeah, okay, being crazy about someone is one thing, but agreeing to marry them is another thing completely. I’m a lot, D. You know that.” 

Cas smiled. It was rare Jask was serious like this and it was refreshing to see. “He’ll say yes, trust me. He’s put up with you for this long.” He wrapped his arms around Dean to see the ring better and kissed the back of his neck. “Look at us. We‘re getting married a second time. Who saw that coming?”

“Got an idea,” Dean said with a smirk. He handed the box back to Jask and then pointed at it. “Cas and me need to disappear for a bit after the ‘I do’s’, so why don’t you ask him then? Whether he says yes or no, you’ll distract everyone enough that we can do what we need to do.”

Jask barked a laugh. “Hell no. I’m not getting embarrassed for you two to get laid. You do that all day, anyway.” He shoved it inside his jacket pocket. “Go get your damn tux on. Cas, keep it in your pants for a few hours.” Shaking his head, he turned back around and mumbled as he walked out the door.

Cas sighed dramatically and kissed his cheek as he took a step back. “I’ll miss you.”

Dean kissed him fully, completely, then gently pushed him away. “Least this means we get a second honeymoon.” He grinned, tilting his head to the side as he started walking backward toward the door. “Should I get some Viagra before we go, or you think you can keep up?” He ducked out of sight before Cas could answer, and Cas laughed loudly by himself, shaking his head. _Brat. But I know he said that for a spanking._

Cas got dressed and as he worked on his bowtie, Ares walked in the room. “Knock knock.” 

“Come in.” Cas smiled and walked over. “Have you seen Dean?”

Ares nodded a little. “He looks amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him out of those flannels, I didn’t know he was capable of dressing up like this. Are you nervous at all?” 

Cas huffed a laugh. “I love him in his flannels, but he definitely cleans up nicely. I’m a little nervous yes, but only because I don’t like crowds and Dean wanted everyone at the first wedding at our second. Does he look nervous? Jask took him away.”

“He’s sweating, but something tells me that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s nervous.” Ares gave him a knowing look and helped him fix his bow tie. “He loves you quite a bit, Castiel.”

“And I love him. After everything, marrying him is still the best decision I’ve ever made.” He couldn’t stop smiling as he shrugged on his jacket and ran a hand through his hair. “Have the pies arrived? My baby needs his pies.”

“All twenty of them,” Ares confirmed with a smile. “How many of those are off limits to the guests?”

“Probably half of them.” Cas laughed fondly, already wanting to see Dean’s smile as he ate pie. “I think we’re all set. Let’s go double knot the knot.”

Ares smiled. “You’re lucky, I can’t even get Jask to tie it once.” He held out his arm and winked. “Want me to walk you down the aisle?”

Cas chuckled and took his arm. “Both our men are jealous ones. Their faces will be priceless.” Before they entered the room, Cas paused and turned toward Ares. “Jask is probably just scared because of what he witnessed with Dean and I, but he’s crazy about you. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I know,” Ares said, but his face fell a little. “But it’s weird, because of what I’ve witnessed with you and Dean, I’m _not_ scared. I know we could get through anything. I just wish he understood that like I did.” He made another comment about this not being about him and pushed open the door, proudly displaying Cas on his arm. 

The tables of the restaurant where they’d nearly gotten divorced were pushed to the side, creating a small pathway up to a fake stage near the kitchen doors. Dean and Jask were already up there, and Ares hadn’t been kidding - Dean looked stunning. One look at the two of them had Dean and Jask bickering, and bits and pieces wafted down to him and Ares.

“The hell is he doin’? This wasn’t part of the plan, tell your boyfriend to keep his grubby paws to his damn self!” 

“Hey, your husband’s the one grabbin’ on my boyfriend, you should learn to control him better.” 

Cas and Ares glanced at each other, biting back their laughs to the best of their abilities. “Aren’t they adorable when they’re mad?”

“Adorable now… be happy you’re the top in your relationship,” Ares said quietly. “I have a feeling I’ll be paying for this one later, though I have to say… I’m not that mad at it.” He winked again at Cas and led him down the aisle, then officially handed him over to Dean.

Dean’s boss and lifelong friend Bobby had agreed to run things - since they were already legally married, they didn’t need an actual priest for this part. 

“Well, then… we are gathered here today to watch these two idjits confess their love… _again,”_ Bobby began with a smile. “Bout time you boys get back on the right track.”

“Thank you, Bobby, but we were never on the wrong track. Just had some unexpected twists and turns.” Cas squeezed Dean’s hands tightly and smiled. “I’ll ride this train until the wheels fall off and even then, I’d keep pushing.”

Bobby looked like he was going to argue, but shut his mouth with a pursed-lipped smile. “Okay, then. Which one of you boys would like to kick this… whatever this is off?” 

“Me,” Dean said quickly, then blushed as he cleared his throat. “I’ll go.” He took Cas’ hands in his and stared at them for a long moment. “Cas… fuc - _shit,_ I’m tryin’ not to swear.” Those gorgeous green eyes snapped up to his as he realized he’d sworn anyway, and the laughter of their friends and family trickled up to them. Dean smiled, joining in. “Can dress me up, but god forbid you take me out. Alright, alright. Cas, I love you so much it’s _dumb._ I mean, just… _dumb._ I can’t even look at you most of the time without feelin’ like I’m gonna come right outta my body. I know I’m an idiot and I screwed things up a lot, but… it’s you, it’s always been you. It’s been… what, almost fifteen years now since we got together? I’m crazier about you now than I was that first day you bent me over the -” His eyes widened and he looked at Bobby, mouthing the word sorry before continuing. “Anyway, I’m still shit at words and I don’t know if I’ll ever get better, but I’m tryin’. And I’ll keep tryin’ every single day until you bury me. Ahh, c’mon, Cas. Don’t look at me like that, we both know I’m dyin’ first, it’s science. Anyway, point is… I love you. And I’ll marry you a hundred times if it keeps you around, cause I don’t ever wanna live without you again.” He stopped, but when no one else said a word, he gestured between them. “That’s it. That’s all I got.” 

Castiel pulled Dean in and kissed him, so proud and happy that he found a way to be romantic, yet so _Dean_ with his vows. “I love you. And you don’t give yourself enough credit, sweetheart. You are better with words than even me sometimes.” He smiled and cleared his throat. “I wanted to start by saying thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t anymore, for fighting for us and showing me there was still something to fight for. Our flame will _never_ die, because as much as people say fires eventually go out, they are discrediting what fires leave behind. And like fires, our love will forever be singed into this Earth. I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you, Dean. Back when I was just your friend and you teased me for my sweater vest, and when you opened up and showed me who you truly were... I was a goner. You once asked me how many times I regretted falling for you and I stand by my answer. We were in the midst of divorce and even then... even if I lost everything... I would never regret loving you. If the sun refused to shine. I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea. There will still be you and me.”

Dean beamed and nudged Bobby. “That was Zeppelin. He quoted Zeppelin to me. Go get ordained real quick, I wanna double down on the legal part of this marriage.”

Shaking his head, Bobby smiled. “Just kiss already, I want food.” 

Dean’s smile could light up any room and Cas pulled him in for a kiss without hesitation. They got slightly carried away, forgetting anyone else was in the room as Cas reached around and slowly slid his hands down Dean’s back.

Someone catcalled from the crowd, and only then did Dean pull back, but Jask immediately pushed him forward again. “No, no. Don’t stop on our account.”

Laughing, Dean bit his lip and tilted his head at Cas. “I think I gotta use the restroom. Bad timing, I know… but that water you’ve been makin’ me drink just goes right through me.” 

“I think you’ll get lost. Let me show you where it is again.” Cas winked - horribly - and pulled Dean by the hand. They dashed out of the main room of the restaurant quickly, through the kitchen and to the employee bathroom. They’d rented out the whole restaurant which meant there weren’t any employees to speak of, so they wouldn’t be interrupted. 

The second the door closed, Dean shrugged off his tux jacket and let it fall to the floor in a heap. “This plug is kickin’ my ass, I didn’t think I’d make it much longer. Need the real damn thing,” he said quickly, kissing Cas hard and backing him up toward the wall before he could do much of anything. 

“Plug? Oh, baby.” Cas had to palm his instantly hard erection before he unbuckled his slacks. “You’re so perfect, Dean. Everything about you. Turn around, sweetheart. Let me see that gorgeous ass.”

Dean spun, dropping his pants and revealing a black jockstrap. When he bent over slightly, Cas could see the tip of the plug nestled between those round, perfect cheeks. “Like it? It’s new.” 

“Yes,” he growled, reaching Dean in two strides and dropping down to his knees. “This ass deserves to be worshipped.” Cas kissed and nipped along his perfect plump cheeks, pushing and pulling on the plug as Dean started moaning quietly. 

He reached out to brace himself on the side of the stall wall. “There’s lube in my pants pocket.” Dean chuckled abruptly. “Dunno if you’ll need it, though. Been wearin’ this damn thing since you filled me up the first time today.” 

Cas growled again, pulling the plug out a little too quickly and shoving two fingers inside to play with his come. “Dean... fuck, I love you.”

Dean made a weird little noise somewhere between a grunt and a whine as his back arched. “Love you too, Cas. But c’mon, I know this ain’t what you wanna hear but I’m sensitive as hell right now. Speed it up.” 

Cas didn’t need to be told twice. He stood, sliding his left hand up Dean’s dress shirt while he lubed himself up. “If I hurt you... bite me.” Lining up, Cas pushed his length inside, not stoping until he was bottomed out.

“Honestly, I rather you bit me,” he said breathlessly, rolling his hips and dropping his head back. “Fuck, I never seem to get enough of you.”

“I feel the same.” Cas snapped his hips and held Dean in place, rolling his hips to get as deep as possible as he bit down on Dean’s neck. “I love every inch of your body. This ass was made for _my_ cock.”

Dean’s entire body shuddered and he moaned low, fingers splayed across the outside of the stall wall. “All yours, Officer. Always.” 

“All mine. Only mine.” Cas reached around to stroke Dean while his cock perfectly rubbed his prostate. “Every inch of you is mine.”

“You sure?” Dean challenged breathlessly. “Not somebody else’s? I saw the way what’s-his-face was lookin’ at me tonight.” 

Cas released Dean’s cock and pulled out with a frustrated growl. “Mine!” He brought his hand down against Dean’s ass, biting his lip when the skin bounced under his hand. “Do I have to break what’s-his-face’s face, _husband?”_ He slapped again.

“Nah,” Dean said with a moan. “Just this ass, Cas. C’mon, make me say it, _Officer.”_

Knowing he would regret it when they had to walk out of there, Cas reached and gripped Dean’s short hair, pulling him back for a kiss as he shoved his cock back inside with one quick, rough thrust. “Why are you sore, Dean? Who’s cock splits you open?”

A gurgled moan cut off somewhere in Dean’s throat. “Yours, Cas. Fuck…” He reached down, gripping himself and stroking furiously as Cas snapped his hips hard. 

“Then who’s ass is this?” Cas slapped his hand off his cock and slammed inside, pulling his hair again to see his face. “Tell me.”

Dean only fought him a little, his cock swollen and leaking uselessly as he placed both hands on the wall again. “Yours, I’m yours, Castiel. Always.” He surged forward to kiss him again, groaning at the extra tug to his hair. 

Cas gripped Dean’s length, stroking in sync with his hip movements. “All mine. Don’t touch _my_ cock. You will come by my hand, or not at all.” He sped up, feeling the change in Dean’s body that told him he was closer to coming than Cas had realized.

_“Cas,”_ Dean gasped out, sweat beading on his skin and every muscle taut. “Fuck, please don’t stop.” 

“I won’t stop, baby. I’ll take care of you... you may come.” Cas sucked on Dean’s neck while continuing to tease that magic button and jack him off, smiling when he felt Dean’s precome drip down his hand.

Seconds later, Dean’s hand flung up to wrap around the back of Cas’ head and he came hard, his ass clenching around Cas’ cock as he milked himself dry in Cas’ hand. He was mumbling something, but the only word that could be made out was “yours.”

“Yes... good boy... mine.” Cas pushed down slightly and started snapping his hips, fucking into his husband as he chased his release. “Tell me where to come, Dean.”

Dean grunted, bracing himself as best he could. “M—my face. Wan- taste it.”

Cas continued to fuck into him roughly, all the way until he was teetering the edge and he had to pull himself out with a grunt. “Knees.” He stroked himself feverishly while Dean dropped down, spinning to face him and looking up at him with lust blown eyes. 

“Fuck, you look good like this, Cas.” He parted his lips, letting that sinful tongue peek out between them and placed his palms face up on his thighs.

“You should see... yourself. Fuck!” Cas groaned so loudly as he released he knew there was no way no one heard, but he also didn’t care. Watching Dean’s chin and tongue get painted white with his spend sent a shiver up his spine, and Cas had another moment where he couldn’t believe Dean was his.

Dean didn’t seem to be able to help himself, he leaned forward and sucked the tip of Cas’ cock into his mouth to clean him up, not wasting any of it. When he pulled back, his tongue laved over his chin, and he smiled satedly from his spot on the floor. “I love you, Cas.” 

“I love you.” Castiel dropped down to his level and wiped some come off his cheek with his thumb and slid it inside Dean’s mouth. “More than anything.”

That tongue swirled around his thumb and Dean sucked gently as his eyes fluttered closed. “Mmmm.”

“Mmmm back at you.” Cas pulled him in by his jaw and kissed him, sliding his tongue inside his mouth possessively. “We took our time didn’t we?”

Nodding, Dean dropped his forehead to Cas’ shoulder. “Sure did, and now I’m sleepy. Think everyone will get pissy if we steal the pies and run?” 

“I don’t care. My baby gets what my baby wants, and... well... I had five pies delivered to the house already in case you wanted to leave early.” Cas inhaled Dean’s scent and smiled, knowing exactly what what his baby needed. “Let’s go home and have pie, husband.”

“Holy shit. Marry me, Cas. I don’t care that we’ve already done it twice.” Dean grinned, kissing him again and then stood up gingerly. “Fuck. Note to self, I’m too goddamn old to wear a plug for that many hours.” 

“Poor baby. You need a warm bath, and I’ll feed you pie while you sit in the bubbles.” Cas kissed his head and stood, holding out his hand. “Let me take care of you tonight.”

“Christ,” Dean mumbled. “Have I told you yet today how friggin awesome you are?” He kissed him once more and then got dressed slowly, pulling out his phone. “Gonna text Ares. If I tell Jask, he’ll just try to stop us.” 

“Ares will give us a few minutes before he tells Jask and he’ll even drop off the spare pies.” Cas started fixing Dean’s clothes for him while he was texting, watching his gorgeous eyes stare down at the screen.

He sent the text and smiled as he glanced up. “We’re good. Let's go home.” 

~~~~

Cas shook his head with a fond smile as Dean played with a little fat puppy. He was trying so hard to be tough, but every time the bulldog tried to kiss him, Dean giggled. “Is that the one?” Cas asked, his eyebrow raised. They’d decided to opt for a dog instead of adopting a child, but Dean had been _ridiculously_ hard to please in his department. 

“Look at his fat little belly, Cas,” Dean cooed. “You’re just a chubby fat baby, huh, Havoc?”

_He named him. It’s over._ Cas sighed, honestly relieved the search was over. He walked away from his adorable husband to find the woman in charge of the rescue, and paid the adoption fee after a lengthy conversation. They’d already done a home visit, but _Havoc_ still needed neutered, so they wouldn’t be bringing him home for a few days. 

He made his way back over and saw Havoc sleeping quietly on Dean’s lap. “Shh,” Dean whispered. “He’s all tuckered out.” 

“Gods, you shine brighter than anyone.” Cas walked over to kiss his cheek. “I’m glad you love him so much. He’s ours, but we have to wait for him to be neutered before he can come home. I think we have a lot of shopping to do.”

Dean looked horrified for a moment at the thought of the poor guy getting fixed, but sighed and nodded, knowing it was for the best. He set Havoc down gently and took Cas’ hand with a pained expression. “Drag me outta here. I don’t wanna leave him.”

“Let’s go get pie to celebrate, and then spend way too much money on puppy toys.” Cas took his hand, rubbed Havoc’s little head and pulled him toward the exit. “He’s ours, sweetheart. Havoc will be home before we know it.”

With a sad, pouty glance back at the dog, Dean allowed Cas to drag him out of the rescue. He huffed, grumbling to himself that it wasn’t fair they were taking away his manhood, and grumpily got back into the car. “Okay. Pie, then all the toys that little fat boy could ever chew on. Got it.” 

“Got it.” Cas smiled, taking his hand again once they sat. “You know, non-neutered boys have a much higher risk for testicular cancer. If anything, we are prolonging his life, sweetheart.”

“I know, I know. And overpopulation is a serious problem, I heard the spiel. I know it’s the _only_ thing to do, but still. Poor little guy. We’re not even gonna get to see him with a cone on his head.” Dean frowned, then began driving toward the diner. “Gonna need a lot of pie.” 

“We’ll take three extra home.” Cas loved Dean’s bleeding heart, but deep down, they really did know it was for the best. 

~~~~

By the time the day came to get Havoc, they had spent nearly $500 on toys, and Dean picked out three beds in case he didn’t like one. The house was as puppy proof as they could get it, and when they sat in the car to drive over, Dean seemed nervous. “Would you like me to drive home so you can hold him?”

“Yeah. What if he doesn’t remember us?” He fidgeted in his seat and drove a little faster. “Or worse, what if he decided he doesn’t like me cause we left him there the first time?” 

Cas chuckled and kissed Dean’s knuckles over and over. “You’re the most adorable human on Earth, you know that?”

Dean softened, smiling over at him. “Fuck, I love you, Cas. Okay, okay… we’re here. Let’s go get our child.” He parked the car and got out, nervous energy radiating off of him. 

_Our child._ Cas grinned, because that is exactly what Havoc was for them. _Gods, he’s going to be spoiled._ The process was much quicker than anticipated, and soon, they were making their way back to the Impala with their fat little pup. “See, he recognized you instantly.”

After tossing Cas the keys, Dean got into the passenger seat and laughed like a little kid at the way Havoc tried licking his face. “Gross, bud… not yet. I don’t know where that mouth of yours has been.” 

Cas chuckled and pulled up some dental treats. “Here, this will help keep his teeth clean.” Starting Baby sent a chill up his spine, and nothing could wipe the smile from his face.

Any fears he had that Dean would change his mind once Cas was actually driving disappeared as they got on the road - Dean hardly seemed to notice they were even moving in the first place. Havoc eventually settled down on his lap, and only then did Dean look over at him. “He’s gonna pee in my car, isn’t he.” 

“Maybe. But I grabbed towels for that reason. Just keep him on your lap and we’ll be fine.” Cas reached over to pet his ears and drove home. “I think he’s going to love his new home.”

Sure enough, Havoc had a field day bouncing all over the house, never settling on one toy for more than three or four seconds. He tried out all three beds and chose the fluffiest one, which made Dean nudge Cas. “Told you. Our child likes comfort.” 

“Now the trick is getting him to sleep in _it,_ and not our bed.” Cas stood behind Dean and wrapped his arms around his torso, kissing along his back. “I love your smile, sweetheart. It’s my favorite thing ever.”

Dean placed a hand over Cas’ and exposed his neck. “He can’t sleep in our bed. I love the fat little guy, but he’s not allowed to get between us. You know how clingy I get in my sleep.” 

“I know... and I love it. But, he has you wrapped around his little paw, so we’ll see.” He brought his lips to Dean’s neck and then rested his chin on his shoulder. “He’s kinda cute.”

He huffed. “He’s adorable, but right now… I’m a little more concerned with someone _else_ I think is adorable.” Dean spun slowly in Cas’ arms until he was facing him fully, then kissed him gently. “Love you, Cas. Thank you for this, and every other damn thing you do you make me happy.” 

“I love you. You make me happy every second of every day, even when you’re an assbutt. It’s only fair I try to keep up.” Cas kissed him again and nodded toward their couch. “Want to cuddle?”

Dean snorted at the insult but dragged Cas to the couch anyway, pushing him down and then laying with his head in Cas’ lap. Havoc tried and failed twice to jump up with them, and with a happy chuckle, Dean reached over to pick him up. As Cas threaded his fingers through Dean’s hair and their dog curled up against his stomach, Dean let out a soft sigh. “We made it, Cas. After everything… through all the bullshit… we made it.” 

They may not have been sure a year ago, but they were damn sure now. “Of course we did, sweetheart. We’ll make it through anything... as long as you can always say you love me.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't already read it, check out Dean's side of the story here: http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/26855395/chapters/65523325


End file.
